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Navigating the Chapters of Challenge with Tele
Navigating the Chapters of Challenge with Tele.
Welcome to 'Navigating the Chapters of Challenge,' a transformative podcast where we explore stories of adversity and triumph through the lens of unwavering faith. I'm your host Tele, and each episode is crafted to inspire, uplift, and guide you through the pages of adversity & life's most profound challenges from a Christian perspective. .
Join us as we delve into stories of resilience, redemption, and unwavering hope, seeking the divine guidance that empowers us to navigate life's most turbulent chapters with grace and courage. In this sacred space we will unlock profound insights that illuminate the path through trials and triumphs.
Whether you're facing personal struggles, seeking spiritual growth, or simply craving a source of inspiration, 'Navigating the Chapters of Challenge' is here to offer solace, encouragement, and a profound connection with your Christian faith. Subscribe now, and let's embark on this transformative journey together, finding strength and purpose in the midst of life's challenges
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Navigating the Chapters of Challenge with Tele
Parenting and Marriage: The Wisdom We Wish We Had
What does it really take to build a happy family life? Forget the glossy social media images and dive into the beautiful, messy reality with our guest Bessie Eritani, a family law solicitor who brings both professional expertise and personal experience to this candid conversation about what she wishes she'd known about parenting and marriage.
Bessie cuts through common misconceptions with refreshing honesty. Remember that advice to "eat for two" during pregnancy? "Don't," she laughs, sharing how she learned this lesson the hard way with her first child. But beyond such practical insights, she tackles the profound emotional adjustments that come with family life. "Be prepared for change," she advises, explaining the fundamental shift from putting yourself first to prioritizing your children and partner.
The conversation takes a fascinating turn as we explore the myth of perfection that haunts so many parents. "There's no perfect parent and no perfect child," Bessie emphasizes, cautioning against the dangerous habit of comparing yourself to others. Drawing from her family law practice, she identifies lack of communication, unwillingness to compromise, and gaslighting as the main culprits behind relationship breakdown. Yet she also shares success stories, including an elderly couple who rekindled their marriage through simple but meaningful connection.
What makes this episode particularly valuable is the blend of professional wisdom and personal vulnerability. Bessie admits she can't sleep until her adult children return home safely (while her husband snores away!), and confesses to occasionally overreacting to her children's behavior. These relatable moments remind us that even those with professional expertise are still finding their way.
Whether you're contemplating parenthood, already raising children, considering marriage, or working to strengthen your existing relationship, Bessie's parting advice resonates with hopeful realism: "Just go for it. There's no manual, there's nothing perfect under the sun... but if there are challenges, there are always solutions." Connect with this wisdom and more by listening now, and remember to share with someone who might need these insights today.
Thank you for watching.
Speaker 2:Hello, and welcome to Navigating the Chapters of Challenge with Tele. Today I've got my friend in the house again with me ,Bessy a returnee to the show, and, yeah, we're going to have an interesting conversation, if I say so myself. Well, I'm hoping it's going to be interesting. Today's topic is what I wish I knew about parenting and marriage. So we're going to touch on both of them and before we start, I'm going to ask Bessy to introduce herself, tell us a little bit about herself for those who don't know her, and, um, yeah, we'll take it from there. So, Bessy, say hello to everyone hi everyone, my name is bessie.
Speaker 3:As telly has said, I'm a mother, a wife, obviously, and I am also a solicitor and I mainly deal with um family law. Um, oh, yes, so yes, that's me, yeah family law.
Speaker 2:So this is actually the best, um, the best topic for you to to talk about family and um stuff like that. So my first question if you go back to when you first became a mother, let's start with parenting. When you first became a mother, yeah, what do you wish or what would you tell yourself? What advice, what piece of advice would you give yourself when you first became a mother? What piece of advice would you give yourself, would you have given yourself?
Speaker 3:oh god, okay, I'll start with the pregnancy one first, because when I had my first one, I kept hearing oh, eat for two, eat for two, don't, do not, do not eat for two, eat only for yourself, enough to sustain you. So, first thing, yeah, do not eat for two. I wish I knew that, but I learned that after the first one, so I didn't make the same mistake with the other two. Uh, the other thing is, I suppose, um, it's that? Um, be prepared for the challenge. Okay, I wish somebody had told me yeah, be prepared for, for, uh, change yeah like um, you can't do the things that you used to do before.
Speaker 3:You have to put this little person or these children sometimes first first above your own so yeah, okay, okay.
Speaker 2:So same question about marriage.
Speaker 3:Yeah, same question about marriage. I think it's the same. You know like, with marriage you go in. The ideal is you get married. Everybody wants you to get married, your parents, everybody. Nobody really sits in my time, though, nobody really sits you down to say these are the things that you should expect. You know like, I wish somebody had said to me um, you will have to compromise on a lot of things. You know like, even if it's not something that you're really used to you, you will have to, kind of like take a step back. It's no longer about you.
Speaker 2:Yeah, that's it.
Speaker 3:You know, it's about this other person.
Speaker 2:This other person.
Speaker 3:Taking into account their views, their thoughts, their needs.
Speaker 2:You know. So yeah, okay. So they say that parenting is hard. Parenting is hard. Is that, what would you? What would you say to that? Is that true in your view?
Speaker 3:parenting is challenging okay, I wouldn't say hard because when you say hard. It's like it's this thing that cannot, cannot be cracked, or I don't know how to put it, but I would rather say parenting is challenging okay or it can be challenging, um, but there are ways that there are solutions, sometimes hopefully and thankfully, to overcoming those challenges. Um, so for me, I wouldn't say parenting is hard. To be honest, that's not the word I'm going to use. Parenting can be challenging can be challenging, but you can overcome those challenges okay.
Speaker 2:So when you come across challenging situations in parenting, what do you? What's your advice to people?
Speaker 3:advice, obviously, um, if you're a christian or muslim or you know like, depending on if you're a prayerful person, obviously you pray about it, see god's face. But then if you're, if you're married, if you have a partner, sit down and talk about it. Yeah, try and seek help from other people as well. People who you know, have, uh, who you feel are more experienced. Maybe they've, they've, they have older children than the ones that you're facing the challenge with yeah so I think it's really important to speak out.
Speaker 3:Yeah, you're facing a challenge because you might learn from somebody else. Okay, it's better than keeping it to yourself and struggle, because parenting there's no perfect parenting, you know, and nobody's Like you don't go in as a perfect parent, so it's something that you learn. You make mistakes and you learn from those mistakes. So I think it's really important to seek advice. Even if it's reading a book or logging onto a podcast like this, you know, I think it's really important to seek help.
Speaker 2:Okay, so I'll switch on to marriage now. Um, there's a podcast I don't know if it's still existing about marriage and the title of the podcast is marriage be hard. You know, the first time I heard that I'm thinking why come up with such a? So what would you say to somebody who is going into marriage, preparing for marriage, what to expect in marriage?
Speaker 3:What to expect.
Speaker 2:What kind of?
Speaker 3:things to expect. Okay, like I said, just be prepared to compromise.
Speaker 1:Be prepared in.
Speaker 3:You know, prepare, just be prepared to compromise. Be prepared, because I see a lot of situations where people or partners don't want to compromise and then you sit back and you're thinking it's not that deep it's not that deep for your peace of mind yeah for the other person's peace of mind. I mean, if it's something that you can let go, let it go. It doesn't have to be. You don't have to hold on so hard to your opinions and your way of doing things, but it's not giving in, isn't that?
Speaker 3:no, it depends on what it is okay, I said because I've, like I said, I I deal with family law, and then when people come to me and say, well, I'm facing this with my partner and all that, and I'm sitting there thinking.
Speaker 2:It's not such a big problem, it's not that deep.
Speaker 3:Why would you allow this little thing? To blow up way out of proportion.
Speaker 1:Okay.
Speaker 3:You're losing your marriage, losing your children and, over this thing, you know, so, yeah, I think it's really important to learn compromise. Obviously, like you're saying, it depends on what it is. There are some things that you just can't compromise on, yeah, but there's quite a lot of things. I believe that couples can compromise on um, so that's one of the things yeah um and then um. We're prepared to communicate as well, okay I think a lot of us as women, we think the men can read our minds, but they can't they't.
Speaker 3:So you have to be prepared to speak up. Okay, you know, um, you have to be prepared to speak up, especially if you have a husband, like my husband, who doesn't. If you, if I go to my husband and I'm saying stuff, my husband is this kind of person who will not speak right away.
Speaker 2:Okay. So you could easily get offended thinking he's not listening, listening, but he actually is, he just needs to take time to take it all in, okay, and then give his response, okay.
Speaker 3:But there are times that I want the response immediately. Did you know what I just said? I need a response right now right now. So he will, he will. Sometimes he'll say you need to. You just said this thing. You need to give me time to yeah so that's what I'm saying about compromise. That's why I said compromising is really important. Some other people might take offense. Okay, I wanted it.
Speaker 3:Now you didn't didn't respond to me all the time to learn, to study your partner know, know how they are, who they are, their essence, so that you can have like a peaceful marriage.
Speaker 2:So what has marriage taught you?
Speaker 3:What has marriage taught me? It's taught me a lot of things Perseverance, really Perseverance.
Speaker 2:Can you give an example, a practical example?
Speaker 3:Okay. So, for example, if you don't have stuff, I don't know what stuff I can use as an example, but you may not be where you are, where you wish to be. You want to be, yeah, yeah where you know you may not be where you are, where you wish you want to be, yeah, where you know you may not be where you wish to be, in in marriage or in finances, you know, like in your marriage, yeah, you need to learn to persevere okay and and walk together with your partner so that you can get to where you need to be.
Speaker 3:It may not happen immediately, but with perseverance, with faith, uh commitment, you will eventually get there the rewards, yeah okay.
Speaker 2:So, um, in terms of, um, bringing up your children, give me an example of an epic fail, because I know we all go to seasons where we are like, oh my god, you're turning up your hands in the air, thinking I didn't do that properly. So give me an example of an epic fail, if you've ever had an epic fail, or even maybe not necessarily an epic fail, just something that just didn't go as you planned in parenting, in parents.
Speaker 3:Oh God, that's a hard one. You should have given me this question before I came.
Speaker 2:You're a solicitor, you should think on your feet. I know.
Speaker 3:I think I can't really think of a particular example immediately, but I can think of situations where, as a parent, I've gotten upset at my child for something when I really shouldn't have taken it to that extreme Okay. And maybe like get to hear their own side of the story story before, but I can't really pinpoint like a specific.
Speaker 2:So you've been a perfect mom then no not really.
Speaker 3:Nobody's perfect. No parent is perfect. So yeah, I think there's been instances where I wish I didn't take a particular. I think it's mainly like reacting to stuff you know, like where your child has done something, that you're trying to react to it and then end up overreacting. But then you know the kind of children we have. They kind of like draw your attention to you.
Speaker 1:Oh, yes, definitely.
Speaker 2:Something we wouldn't have dared to do in our time.
Speaker 3:Mom, it's not that deep. And then you just reflect like, okay, actually maybe I shouldn't actually have reacted the way.
Speaker 2:I did. What are some myths about parenting that are out there that you wish people would get over? Myths.
Speaker 3:Myths about parenting. Yeah, I think one of them is like, like I said, there's no perfect parent. Yeah, so don't ever feel like you're not doing a good job or there's a better parent out there, because we're all individuals and our children are not the same yeah so you must never compare yourself to another parent or compare your child to another child, cause you don't really know what you only see know what people tell you or see what you see on the surface.
Speaker 1:No.
Speaker 3:So I think it's really important that, um, people do not feel like they're failing in parenting, or that's why it's so important to seek help. Um, yeah, I think that's it. I can't think of any other me. What's the other myth? Um, to be honest, I can't think of. Okay, I never thought there was any me any miserable is it that children are perfect? That's one.
Speaker 2:That's one of them. Children will always be perfect. If you train them well and you teach them everything from the beginning, from the get-go, they will always remain perfect.
Speaker 3:That might be one of the myths. I thought in my head no, there's no perfect child.
Speaker 2:There's no perfect parent and there's no perfect child.
Speaker 3:Your children might do something that disappoints you. So, and I think that's where, as a parent, you need to. If you know your child very well, it's really important like your child might disappoint you, but you need to kind of like get out of that disappointment quickly so that you can help the child as well yeah, you know so yeah they say that, um, parenting changes us.
Speaker 2:So do you think that parenting has changed you from who you used to be and, if so, in what way?
Speaker 3:parenting does change us. Yeah, because obviously before it was just you, you, you, now you have these children. You have to think about that. I mean you're spending in your thinking. Uh, emotionally you have to. I find that no matter how old your child is, you, you don't let go you never let go as old as I am, my mom is still trying to parent me tell me about that.
Speaker 2:I spent some time with my dad in february this year and, um, yeah, let's leave it. Let's leave it at that so that's one thing, yeah it never ends? I don't think it stops.
Speaker 3:Yeah, it's like you're not only thinking about yourself now. You're thinking about all these other, no matter how old they are it's like you still want to hold their hand, you still want to provide for them, you want to make sure they're happy.
Speaker 1:So in that way.
Speaker 3:Yes, definitely, it's a change um emotionally as well. You're not just there for yourself emotionally, now you have to be, you have to leave some percentage for them yeah, as well yeah so, yeah, it does change you. It does change you a lot. Yeah, because mainly because you're no longer thinking about just yourself, thinking about their well-being. You're thinking about your children's well-being all the time, making sure they're safe when they go out. You're wondering what are? They? What are they up to now, when?
Speaker 2:are they coming? When are they coming back? I can't sleep when they go out I can't. My husband is happy to sleep. He's like oh, they told you they're coming back at so and so time. I'm going to bed and he goes to bed and he sleeps and I'm thinking how can you sleep?
Speaker 3:your child is not home don't you find that you're the one who picks them up from the station?
Speaker 2:You have to stay awake, I mean my husband will stay awake sometimes most times, to be honest to pick them up. But if he's not picking them up and they're coming back by themselves, he's going to bed. I can't sleep. Even when I go to bed I'm pretending that I'm sleeping. I'm like are they back? So I don't think you can ever just let go. Somehow it's very hard to let go and the children think oh, by now you should know that I'm an adult and blah, blah, blah.
Speaker 3:But it doesn't work that way, you're still their mother, you're still my child.
Speaker 2:I called my daughter baby girl the other day. She's like I'm not a baby. I'm like, well, you're not a baby, but you'll always be my baby. Yeah, you will always be my baby, so get that in your head yeah so what about marriage? Do you think marriage has changed you in any way and do you think it changes people?
Speaker 3:um, that's a hard one. Um, does marriage change people? Well, it, I don't know. You know it changes your opinions, okay in what way, because sometimes you you may be used to thinking one way. Okay, when you get married, your um spouse might change your way of thinking it's like with learning as well, yeah you know like, whatever you're learning, you may have learned something a certain way yeah then you have to unlearn it or learn a new way of doing stuff.
Speaker 3:okay, so it. You do sometimes tend to think the way your partner thinks, but I don't know whether it changes you as a person okay you know,
Speaker 2:um, should it be changing you? Maybe I should rephrase the question should marriage change a person?
Speaker 3:I don't think so I think that's a, it's a really broad thing now that I think about it, like if you're someone who is well, I don't know, to be honest. If you're somebody who is giving, who is loving, who is always helpful, and all that, will marriage necessarily change you to be somebody who is giving, who is loving, who is always helpful, and all that, will marriage necessarily change you to be somebody who doesn't give or is no longer there?
Speaker 2:it depends. It depends, for instance, if you're giving and the person your, your spouse is not giving back to you. There is a tendency that to want to pull back yeah, that's true, though.
Speaker 3:So it could, but maybe because it hasn't really changed me as such in a negative way. Maybe that's why I can't.
Speaker 2:I think it could also change positively too yeah yeah, because yeah go on, sorry.
Speaker 3:Yeah, no, no, no, I was, you know, like affirming what you're saying. Yeah, so I guess it does change people.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I think it has the tendency to change your view, to change your outlook yeah, your outlook to life, even some of your habits. For instance, if you're married to somebody who is a neat freak and you are not a neat freak and the person keeps going on and on about how he or she wants places to be kept tidy, after a while you will have to try and I mean just for the sake of peace, if not for anything else, you may want to try and I mean not accommodate change your ways and try and become neater for the sake of the peace, of the family, you know well, hopefully hopefully, well, hopefully, hopefully, let's not go there.
Speaker 2:What are you saying? That you are the untidy one.
Speaker 3:Not that I'm untidy, but I could have my stuff all over the place as a woman and thankfully my husband understands. He might say, oh, why is?
Speaker 2:your wig here. Why is your wig here? I'm going to say something that my husband is husband's gonna be like. Did you have to say that? I remember a few years ago I walked through the door and the first thing I don't know if anybody else does this, but the first thing that comes off is my bra and I just fling it. How can you do that? I just fling it momentarily. Of course I'll pick it up from wherever I fling it, but it's like ha ha, freedom. Sorry, we're being very real on this, but you know I had to learn that when I was on my own I I could just fling any hands, not anymore.
Speaker 2:But I think it has a tendency to change you good or bad either way. Yeah, I think so.
Speaker 3:Yeah, it's true it does. It does I mean, yeah, it does change people, especially, like you're saying, in a bad way. That's why we have issues about domestic violence and things like that. The person who is being abused might then begin to withdraw from the world from the people they love, stop helping.
Speaker 2:What do you think are some unwritten expectations that people have for marriage and for parenting unwritten expectations?
Speaker 3:I think the biggest and the most dangerous one for marriage is that the person will change after you marry them. I think that has caused a lot of problems so their character.
Speaker 2:We're talking about character now yeah.
Speaker 3:So you're thinking, oh, um, when we get married? I think I used to think that as well, that you know not at the time that I was thinking it. It wasn't like I had anybody that I was going to marry, or somebody was, but it was just this mentality that, if somebody is, is not behaving well maybe when you marry them. I will change them, you have you can't change anybody but that is a very um dangerous, um dangerous thing.
Speaker 2:Like you can't change people, like no, you know, if they're like this before marriage, expect that they will carry on the way they are, except by divine intervention yeah, or they, they want to change, or they want to change, so yeah you can't change someone so I think that is one thing that yeah uh, with parenting.
Speaker 3:Um, yeah, it's, it's again, it's to do with um just knowing that nothing is perfect and you will make mistakes. Just learn from them yeah learn from those mistakes, move on from them.
Speaker 2:Yeah, okay as your as a family um solicitor family. You're more into family law. What are the common um problems that you see often in families? What are the common things that you seem to reoccur in families that lead to all these problems that make them come to see you?
Speaker 3:um, I think one of them is lack of communication. Okay, one person is not communicating their needs to the other person, expecting the other person to automatically know what their needs are. Okay, um, and then the other one is again, like I say, compromising is one of the biggest ones, I think. Like where you? It's like either my way or the highway. That's one of the things. Um, I've also noticed that there's a lot of gas lighting okay, can you give specific examples, just without naming any names?
Speaker 2:just give us like an example, maybe a scenario of something that's one of the cases you've had to deal with recently um, recently, okay.
Speaker 3:So, for example, where you have a partner, I'll take you down the immigration route where you know that your partner has some immigration issues and might need your help in maybe remaining in the UK, and you use that as a weapon to control them. And then you make them feel as though they are crazy, like um, like they don't know what they're doing, or that you're better than them.
Speaker 3:You know more than them or whatever they're doing is not good enough. Or if you offend them and they draw your attention to the, to what you've done, to the offense it's like you mean they you minimize okay done and you play it out as if the other person is overreacting, whereas to an outsider that is actually something that is alarming like why would your partner do this to you? Okay, they shouldn't be doing that.
Speaker 3:So and then, a lot of the times I find that whoever is being abused sometimes doesn't even know that they've been abused yes until they go out and say seek help yeah then, and they're being coached and taught about abuse and the signs, then it's like a realization I've been in an abusive relationship and I never even knew it like, so this is what abuse is like so yeah, that's one of the compromising. Really like some of things that people complain about is so trivial. And then you're like surely you could have just sat down and communicated. And talked about this so I remember a couple, an elderly couple who were going to get divorced and we're like at what age?
Speaker 2:you know like why now?
Speaker 1:why not yeah?
Speaker 3:but then, but then again, you, you tend, when you deal with these people, you you see that the one person decided to stay, maybe because of the children, and you know. And once the children are old enough, they just decide. Okay, now it's my time to bail out so this is why, as um married couples, just make sure that you have things that you do together yeah, as a couple so that when you're older, it's like you're not living separate lives you have something in common that brings you together yeah, so this couple were going to get divorced.
Speaker 3:And we were like, but why, at this age, you know? So it was the, it was the man that came to us and so we're like, why? And then he told us the reasons. And then we're like, okay, so why don't you go and discuss with your wife and see, take your wife out on holiday, do something romantic.
Speaker 3:You know, because as family solicitors the first thing is to try and see if you can mediate between the couple. You don't just say okay, divorce, you have to advise on mediation and thankfully that that's the only case, case where we've had a success okay in trying to get them to reconcile.
Speaker 3:Oh, that's brilliant so he went away and did what we asked him to do, took the wife out, and he came back and said you know what my wife said? That is the first time she felt needed and wanted in the relationship and it was a surprise to her as well for him to come and say can we go on holiday? It's something he's never done wow so they came back together.
Speaker 2:So that was that's good one, and he was there they were.
Speaker 3:He was in his 70s, I think 70s.
Speaker 2:Why would you want to contemplate going through a divorce at?
Speaker 3:70?. Well, the wife wanted the divorce.
Speaker 2:Oh, the wife wanted the divorce. Okay, she must have had enough.
Speaker 3:Yeah, I think she's had enough. She had had enough Okay. So it's really important to communicate, okay.
Speaker 2:What about the children issues? Communicate, okay. What about um the children issues? Have there been any specific um issues with children that keep reoccurring with us to do with parenting of the children?
Speaker 3:uh, with children it's like when one parent thinks I know better than the other one okay I think that's a common theme like and sorry to say, it's more around the mothers yeah like the mother feels, I understand. Like you gave birth, like you we not we're not sure yeah but we don't know it all yeah, the father also has a right yeah to the child yeah, they might not be good.
Speaker 3:The best are changing diapers and feeding and all that. But there's a role for the father in the in, in the home, in the family so I the main thing I see is one parent thinking that they know better and trying to dictate the pace and how the child should be brought up. Their opinions matter more than the other person's. Yeah, so that's what I tend to see.
Speaker 2:the most Okay. So I wanted us to play a quick game. I'm going to ask you some questions. I've written them down in my book. So I'm going to ask you some questions and you're going to complete them. So it's a complete the sentence kind of questions so the first one says let me get my book together. Okay, so complete the sentence. Parents would be a lot parenting, rather, would be a lot easier if only kids came with if only kids came with a manual what would you expect to be in that manual?
Speaker 2:how to be the perfect parent if you had to write that manual, what would you put in it?
Speaker 3:how to make sure there's enough money to provide for all their needs and demands.
Speaker 2:Their needs even get worse when they get older. I remember when the children were one, two, three, up to ten, you could buy anything for them. They'll be happy Once they cross that threshold, oh my God, it's a different world.
Speaker 3:And how to keep them entertained.
Speaker 2:Yes, that's very true. Okay, next one, complete the sentence. What is the quickest way to test your patience as a parent?
Speaker 3:oh my god, I'm a perfect parent.
Speaker 2:Oh yeah In your dreams. We need to ask your children.
Speaker 3:I think that okay. Well, the quickest way to test my patience is when I'm calling you or when I'm sending you a text or a message?
Speaker 2:Oh, tell me about that. Why do these children do this? I?
Speaker 3:don't know, they just don't have time.
Speaker 2:You send them a text and it takes forever for them to respond and I'm thinking hello, hello, when you ask me for something, I'm responding immediately. I'm like oh yeah, this child needs something, this child, my child needs this, this, this, I need to get it now. But you send them a text and it's like that's the quickest way to do it.
Speaker 2:That's the quickest that's the quickest way. That's the quickest, and mine too, I can that. Definitely I can. I can. What's the word I can relate to that? I can relate to that. Okay, next one, complete the sentence. Before becoming a parent, I never knew I'd be an expert in.
Speaker 3:In. Oh God, there's a lot I never knew I'd be an expert in being emotionally available at all times. Okay For the children, being strong for the family. Really Be an expert cook, okay, okay, be an expert cook, okay. Driver Counselor, counselor.
Speaker 2:Nurse.
Speaker 3:Nurse. Be an expert provider, be an expert everything.
Speaker 2:Everything.
Speaker 3:Be an expert, everything, yeah.
Speaker 2:You have to be there for everything, everything, everything, everything.
Speaker 3:Be an expert at everything. Yeah, you have to be there for everything, everything, okay, everything.
Speaker 2:So the same questions. I'm going to ask you for marriage, we're going to start, okay. So the quickest way to test your patience as a married woman, as a wife because you introduced yourself at the beginning as a wife, yeah, yeah, yeah, so what's the quickest way?
Speaker 3:I think again it's the same one. Like I gave an example earlier, when I'm trying to, get something out of my husband and I'm saying stuff and he's just there, not even uttering a word.
Speaker 1:So that's one way to test my patience.
Speaker 2:Okay, okay, okay. What would be Okay? Marriage, that's it. Marriage would be a lot easier if how would I put it? If marriage came with? You said manual for kids. So marriage came with what? Don't say manual. Find another answer for me.
Speaker 3:If marriage came, with what don't say manual? Find another answer for me. If it came with um, am I allowed to say if it came with a lot of cash?
Speaker 2:whatever works for you. Whatever works for you, why cash? I thought you needed cash for the children. Why cash for the marriage?
Speaker 3:Well, if it came with a lot, because there's so many desires in. You know, like in building a home, you want a perfect home, but we've said nothing is perfect. You have this ideal in your head. This is how I want my home to be, this is how I want my life to be, but it's not always like that. I think it was for want of something to say to you.
Speaker 2:I think if it came with instructions on how to do marriage. You said you didn't want manuals. Well, I guess we can't get away from this.
Speaker 3:I had to go for the next thing, yeah, yeah, if it came with a manual as well, yeah, that would have been yeah, yeah, but I don't think a manual would work for marriage yeah because there's no one size fits all for marriage absolutely because I think that every marriage is different.
Speaker 2:So if you tell me that you do this, blah, blah, blah, blah blah and I have to do the exact same thing, it may not work. So, so what would you have wanted?
Speaker 3:to know will still help because you would have seen, maybe the manual will come with some examples or something might fit into yours.
Speaker 2:So what if the examples don't fit into yours? What do you do?
Speaker 3:Well, you go out and seek help. That's what I would do you speak to other people. Speak to counsellors. Speak to people. Learn from other people's experiences.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 3:Because I think that's really helpful, because sometimes you might feel like you're the only one going through a certain type of situation, but when you hear other people talking about it, you get that assurance that, well, I'm not the only one. This is something that is common, but it can be overcome, like you can overcome the can overcome it.
Speaker 2:Yeah, so I think that's okay. So before becoming a wife, I never knew I'd be an expert in.
Speaker 3:Don't give me the same answer as you I never knew I'd be an expert in can I say, romance okay anything you want to say.
Speaker 2:If that works for you, what works for you?
Speaker 3:an expert in being romantic, being so you call yourself an expert.
Speaker 2:Then we need to ask your husband if you're actually an expert yes, I'm sure I am the expert in our marriage.
Speaker 3:Um, um, okay, yeah, being emotionally available as well.
Speaker 2:Um an expert, um organizer okay, yeah, how, in what way explain?
Speaker 3:well, it's like you. Sometimes you find yourself having to take control and charge of everything. Like for want of a use of a better word like if you're working in an office, you're the administrator, you organize everything. In marriage, as a wife, you might find yourself having to organize every other thing, apart from, maybe, being a provider of finance. You might find yourself being the one organizing the children, organizing the home, organizing outings, travel all of those things might fall on you, so you might just find yourself being a born organizer.
Speaker 3:You develop these organizational skills that you never knew you had.
Speaker 2:So yeah, I think you had, yeah, so yeah, I think that's one thing. Okay, yeah. So what would you say has been your greatest achievement as a wife?
Speaker 3:That's a hard one. Greatest achievement.
Speaker 2:All the questions are not hard.
Speaker 3:I have a happy home.
Speaker 2:Yes.
Speaker 3:I have wonderful children who bring me joy. Yeah, I think that's it really. I have wonderful children who bring me joy. Yeah, I think that's it really. I have, yeah, a happy home.
Speaker 2:What's one thing your husband would say he loves most about you?
Speaker 3:That's for him to answer.
Speaker 2:Nah, what do you think?
Speaker 3:At my birthday. What did he say?
Speaker 2:I can't remember.
Speaker 3:I can't remember that you love his family, and that's one of the things I remember. I can't remember anything else that I'm a great provider.
Speaker 2:I provide everything everything he can't provide.
Speaker 3:Yes.
Speaker 2:Okay.
Speaker 3:Yeah, I think he would say that I'm a loving wife. Yeah, I'm always there for him, for the children.
Speaker 2:I think he said that yeah.
Speaker 3:I think that's yeah yeah, okay, same question.
Speaker 2:What would you say is your greatest achievement as a mom so far?
Speaker 3:As a mother as well, obviously having beautiful children, and I'm fortunate that whatever challenges the children have brought, they haven't been challenges that we can't overcome or that other people haven't gone through before. Yeah, so, um, yeah, I think that's it, to be honest.
Speaker 2:Okay, yeah do you think you find that your children confide in you easily and, if so, why do you think that's the case?
Speaker 3:yeah, I believe they do. I actually believe that they do and that's because of the relationship I've built with them from when they were really young, just being open with them. You're not. People always say you're not your children's friend, you're their parent. I think setting the boundary so that they know when you're joking with them and when you're their parent, I think setting the boundary so that they know when you're joking with them and when you're serious, because sometimes the lines can be blurred. So it's really important to let the children know okay, we're having fun, we're laughing now, but when I'm serious, I'm serious. Um, so, yeah, being approachable, okay, talking to them about things, um, I think being part of the children ministry also helped, because we used to go for this yearly training where we the children ministry training, where you learn about you learn about parenting the godly way and things like that. You read books, that's why I?
Speaker 3:said, books are always really important. To read books, learn from other people, hear what other people are saying, so it helps, yeah. And and letting your children know from a very early age that they can come to you and tell you anything, and I think one of the ways I was able to achieve that is by taking an interest in what they do from a very early age, especially when they start school. So when they come back from school, make it a duty to ask them how was school today? Who are your friends or what happened at the playground? So you get a, so that when they come back, before you even ask them, they already come to you and say, oh, mommy, do you know what happened today?
Speaker 3:and so and so person. So because they've already mentioned that person's name is like you also know who that even if you haven't met them. You know they can easily come to you and tell you stuff you know, and then, when they make a mistake, point out the mistake to them, but let them know that, um, you might be mad at them at that particular point in time, but it's not forever, so you just make them feel comfortable enough to be able to come to you and talk to you about stuff yeah, okay so, um, when your children look back one day and tell the story of who you were as a parent, what is one thing you hope they will say about you?
Speaker 3:That they had the most loving mother in the world, mother who loved them with all of her heart, with her mind, with everything that she had. So I would.
Speaker 2:The most loving mother in the world. Okay, and I asked you already what your husband, so I'm not going to ask you what you hope he will say about you the most loving wife. Let me answer it the most loving wife.
Speaker 3:Okay.
Speaker 2:The most loving and caring and the most beautiful wife in the whole wide world.
Speaker 2:Okay, oh my god, we have first come to the end of this podcast. The time, the time goes really fast. I don't know where the time goes, but yeah, before we come to an end, I just wanted to ask you what advice you would like to give to people out there who are thinking about becoming parents, or who are already parents, or people who are married or thinking of going into marriage. I like to end the podcast on a note of hope. So just a little word of advice, something to encourage people out there. What would you want to say?
Speaker 3:I would say go for it. Like there's a lot of misconceptions out there now, especially on social media, about marriage, a lot of negativity, you know. Just go for it. Like we've said, it's not, there's no manual, there's nothing that is perfect under the sun, so it's just a case of going, go for it, pray about it, go for it. If you want to be a parent, be a parent. And then, if there are challenges, there are always solutions out there to whatever people are going through.
Speaker 2:So yeah, go for it, do it, do it.
Speaker 3:Just pray that you meet your right spouse, the one that God has ordained for you, and, as a parent, pray that God will give you the wisdom to raise champions for him. So yeah, please go for it. Go for it.
Speaker 2:Go for it. Bessie says go for it, please go for it, go for it. Go for it. Bessie says go for it, Go for it, go for it. No hesitating, do it.
Speaker 3:Do it. Marriage is beautiful.
Speaker 2:Yes, marriage is beautiful, it is a blessing. Yeah, it is a blessing.
Speaker 1:It's a blessing.
Speaker 3:When you have children it's a blessing and if you go in with God and with hope, he will just make everything beautiful in his time.
Speaker 2:Okay, so if people wanted to contact you, if they had some like family, family law matters that they wanted to talk to you about, how do they contact you? Can you give us your details so that I can put that in the show notes and people can contact you if they have any issues? They want to talk to you. Maybe you can help them resolve some problems. You know counselling and stuff like that.
Speaker 3:Definitely. The name of my firm is Francis Solicitors. We have a website, wwwfrancissolicitorscouk, and you can always contact us on the phone as well, on 0208 463 9100, and we will be happy to help. Uh, you can always make an inquiry um through our website as well, and we'll try our best to help you in any way that we can.
Speaker 2:Yes, okay thank you so much, bessie, for coming on the show today.
Speaker 3:It's really nice pleasure. It's been a pleasure really nice having you.
Speaker 2:Thank you so much.
Speaker 2:Hopefully we'll see you again sometime soon absolutely thank you so much for joining me today on navigating the chapters of challenge. Your time means the world to me and I hope today's episode inspired and encouraged you. If you enjoyed this episode, don't keep it to yourself. Share it with your friends, family or anyone who could use a little hope and encouragement. You can find our podcast on Spotify, Buzzsprout, Apple Podcasts, YouTube and wherever you love listening to podcasts. Want to support the show? It's easy Just click the support button on Buzzsprout, and any contribution, big or small, helps us keep bringing you stories and insights that matter.
Speaker 2:And don't forget to check out our latest book, Navigating the Chapters of Challenge from Trials to Triumph, available now on Amazon. It's packed with inspiration and practical wisdom to help you navigate life's storms. We'd also love to hear from you If you have a story to share, an idea or just want to say hi. Feel free to reach out. Your voice matters and, who knows, your story might just inspire our next episode. Thanks again for listening. Stay strong, stay inspired and I'll see you on the next episode.