Navigating the Chapters of Challenge with Tele

The Waiting Season: Embracing Patience, Prayer, and Purpose Before Marriage

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Bunmi's journey through the pressures of waiting for marriage highlights the challenges and societal expectations faced by many individuals today. Through her experiences, she encourages listeners to embrace their independence, cultivate self-love, and maintain faith while navigating the complexities of waiting for love.

• Discussion on societal and cultural pressures impacting singles 
• Personal reflections on education, career, and marriage 
• The vital role of prayer and faith during the waiting period 
• Rejection of societal notions around being ‘too picky’ 
• The significance of self-love and independence while waiting 
• Emphasis on hope and patience in the journey towards love

Book mentioned- The Secret  by Rhonda Byrne

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Speaker 2:

Hello and welcome to Navigating the Chapters of Challenge with Tele. Today I've got my friend Bunmi in the house and I'm really excited to have Bunmi with me today. We've been wanting to have this conversation for a long time and I'm glad that it's finally finally happening. So before we go straight into the topic, I'm going to ask Bunmi to introduce herself and tell us a little bit about herself. So, Bunmi, tell us about yourself and introduce yourself to the audience, please.

Speaker 3:

Hi, ele, and thank you for having me here. My name is Bunmi Okoh, I'm a Programme Director at an investment bank and I'm a wife and I'm a mother.

Speaker 2:

So today we're going to be talking about something that a lot of people don't like talking about, but we have to talk about it, and it's waiting, that period of waiting to get married. You know, at certain times in the year, people who have been waiting for a husband or a wife feel under a lot of pressure because they're seen as the odd ones out. They're seen as the ones that, uh, maybe something is wrong with them and they've been waiting for so long. What's wrong with them? Why are they not getting married? And this is the topic we're going to talk about. Is there? Should they be treated like that? Why is it like that and what can be done? And Bunmi is going to share her own personal experience for with us, rather, and um, yeah, we'll see how, how we go from there. So, Bunmi, how long did you have to wait before you got married?

Speaker 3:

oh gosh, how long did I have to wait? Um, I guess the way I have to put it is it's not like I've been waiting since I've been born. Obviously there's a time where you're not actually looking for marriage. You know, um, coming from, you know, being from a nigerian background, when you're at a certain age, it's concentrating on your books yeah so that doesn't even come in a question.

Speaker 3:

ou know you go to school, you do your oh, you do your A levels, you go to university, do your degree and then possibly go to university, do your degree and then possibly a master's or post-qualification, like I did for my accountancy exams. So I didn't actually have time to be thinking about marriage at that point in time. But when I finished all of that, say when I was into my 30s, I was thinking possibly should be thinking about it. But before I went out out, you know I went out with guys, I had boyfriends and what have you, and you know, just enjoying myself. And when I say enjoying myself, you know I got saved. So you know you enjoy yourself within those parameters right.

Speaker 3:

And I guess when I started seriously thinking about it it was probably late 30s and I was. I was seeing this um gentleman for probably on and off for about five years. You know he wasn't really ready for marriage, concentrating on his career when I was ready for it. Then eventually, when you just think you know what I'm tired of being not number one, yeah, and being upset you know you you're in these relationships and you just think, why am I always upset? You know that thing about I can be sad all by myself. Yeah, you know, when someone says to you I'm gonna call you, two weeks later you're still waiting for that call.

Speaker 3:

And the way I'd been brought up, I mean mean I come from a divorced family. So my mum brought us up five kids and God rest her soul. She passed las year in February, which is why it's taken us a long time to get together. But I remember when she used to come to all our parents' evenings, on the way home she used to say to me Bunmi, face your books, face your books, men will come later. Face your books. So that was always my mind. And then she always said to me I don't want you to end up like me I don't want you to rely on any man, I want you to be independent. So that always stuck with me. I mean, I see it as not a detriment, I see it as a positive, because that was the first thing in my mind every time, especially when I was in a relationship.

Speaker 3:

If they weren't going well, I just thought you know what bye, it's not happening. And after a while I keep thinking about it. I never wanted to be like my mum, on my own. I'd rather make sure it's the right person. I didn't want to go through divorce having been a product of that, and I can see what that does to families through divorce having been a product of that, and I can see what that does to families. Yeah, so, um, all the time, I mean I, I studied, I finished, I knew I was ready and then I went to the states with my workplace. I got a secondment there for three years and at that time, before I went, I was when I now thought, okay, this is serious. I actually want to settle down now. I don't want to. And then my parents, my mom and her sisters and stuff, always used to say to me Bunmi, don't leave it too late, don't leave it too late, don't leave it too late.

Speaker 2:

That's always ringing in my ears and I understand now.

Speaker 3:

When they say don't leave it too late. It's a case of if you leave it too late, it's going to be harder, yeah. So one time I was in Nigeria on a trip and I said to my auntie okay, all right, I'm ready now, because you was always trying to fix me up they always do so I said to her okay, aunt, I thought you know what I hear about.

Speaker 3:

It happens in other cultures. Yeah, the you know the Indian culture, they're very good at that. They make it into a business. I thought, you know, I've got my auntie. She knows people, let her do it. So when she said, I said, all right, auntie, I'm ready. And she looked at me. She said are you sure? And I said yeah, yeah, she thought I was joking.

Speaker 3:

She ran upstairs if you see this woman, she probably was in her 50s at the time. She ran with vigor to get her what she called her little black book. Okay, and she came down and she was saying no, not that one, he's not serious. Not this one, not this one. And then I just said all right, auntie, we'll come back in two days, let's see what's happening. And I said, auntie, what's happening? And she said it's not easy. I said, oh, why did she say that? She said because obviously now she's feeling responsible, okay, that this is her niece and it's not anyone before.

Speaker 3:

I used to say, auntie, it's not that simple. Yes, I want to meet someone. Should I go and offer my wares on the street, you know? And now she knew that when she starts thinking about no, I know this one, he's not serious. He's been having all these girls, or this one or this one is not ready to settle down. So I left her on her side to do her things.

Speaker 3:

And then I went to the states and now it was where was I? Now? I had just turned 40. Now when you're in the states, they're very good at mammograms and looking after your body and that sort of thing. So literally say, I turned 40 3 days ago I went to get my annual screening and I just happened to say to the lady look, you know, I really want to have kids. Yeah, I'm 40 now. Um, you know what, what's happening, you know, can I freeze my eggs? You know? Just, I just thought, just add, it was a gynaecologist, she'd done everything else, top to bottom, you're perfectly fit, what have you? And she said it's too late now. You know, really, you, really, you know, if u was going to freeze your eggs, you should have done them at like before 35.

Speaker 3:

After 35, everything is in decline you know, and you know, when you just thought what I mean. I'm at the peak of my physical fitness here. I you know me in the gym, I like best bodies. What do you mean? And she said yes. And she said, and I said, okay, in terms of the clients you have, you know people that are looking to have how many have you been able to, you know, help to get pregnant without um kind of like intervention? She said none, they've all needed some help, or probably don eggs or what have you. Now, I'm not saying there's anything wrong with that, but I'm just like I have a God that's able to be, to do exceedingly abundantly, all we can hope or imagine. or I don't, I'm not accepting that yeah, and and so you know. And then she said, oh, have you considered um, what she said, have you considered the sperm bank? And I'm like no, I said I'm sorry, you know, I'm a Christian, we don't really believe in that sort of thing. So anyway, I said to her okay, well, thank you very much.

Speaker 3:

I left and that when I left, my spirit was down. I was really, really depressed. When I say depressed, I just felt really, really down. So, um, I called one of my, one of my closest friends, the best buddy and one of my kind of like. I had a team of four of us that were in a prayer group every week and I said to her look, this is what's happened. And I was literally tearful. I can't remember so long ago if I was even crying and I sat down in some park bench in mid-New York and I told her what happened and we ended up literally crying with laughter after.

Speaker 3:

I said can you imagine? That lady said to me I must go to a sperm bank. And she said oh, no, no, no. And then she just reminded me of the word yeah and everything said Bunmi, you know what we've been praying for, yeah, you know. You know we've got a God that is above all of this, you know. So we chatted and so after that I just spirits lifted and then we continued to pray there was four of us, like I said, weekly and just bringing the scriptures to mind. You know the scriptures about. You know that you know God brought the man to the woman and you know the woman to the man. You know bone of my bone, and we literally was just adding scriptures when we were speaking. And then I also got this book called um the secret by Rhonda B okay now? have you heard of it before? No, I've not heard of it. Very good book now it has. It has bits from different um imports, like from the Bible. It quotes the bible, it quotes Nicodemus. It quotes different things.

Speaker 3:

So you take what you want. Basically, what I took from it is like I'm in it. It has a scripture about Habakkuk 2:2. Okay, write the vision, make it clear. Yeah, so you know, write down what you want.

Speaker 3:

Yeah, so I started putting things in practice. You know, I mean, first of all, I said I prayed to God and I said look, god, um, I don't want any more frogs. When I say frogs, I'm not saying I'm a princess or anything like that. What I'm saying is I don't want to kiss anymore, for I don't want to waste my time being in a relationship, or boyfriend and girlfriend, with people that with, with guys that basically are not on the same wavelength for me. You know it's I just I don't have time to waste and it's actually mentally exhausting.

Speaker 3:

Yeah, so, um, one of this I thought let me just write down the things that are important to me, and you know I come from a big family, so there's five of us in terms of our siblings, and then we've, you know, we've got an extended family. We're very close and family's very been important for me, so that that came on top. I mean, obviously, what should be on top is, you know, is does he have a spiritual background, you know? Does he believe in God? Yeah, that was first, and then it's a case of family. Family had to be important because it's not someone that me, myself and I, you know is. Do you have a respect for your parents? For you know, people that mean to you mean a lot to you. It's not just about you, because obviously, if it's not important to you for your own family, mine won't be important either. So that that that was on the list.

Speaker 3:

Another one is was he financially, um, independent? Yeah, I'm not. I'm not saying I want him to be, you know, donald trump or you know, rockefeller or someone with loads of money. No, but I just want you to be able to be able to actually look after yourself. I'm not, I'm not here to become your mother. Yeah, no, you know, and it's not. Has he got his own house? But are you, are you able to, kind of like, put a roof over your head and financially look after yourself?

Speaker 2:

yeah, these are all important things.

Speaker 3:

It's really important things, and this went on the list, yeah. And then another thing I need to be attracted to you. Yeah, because I mean it's not all about looks, but there should be something that you know attracts me to you.

Speaker 2:

None of this love is blind. Love is blind?

Speaker 3:

yeah, because you know, as you know, after a while being married for a while, like you have Tele, you know looks are fleeting, but at least there needs to be something there needs to be something.

Speaker 3:

There needs to be something Beyond the looks. Exactly, exactly right. And yeah, I think you know what. Those were my top ones, yeah, and then everything else would come, you know, and, um, so, yeah, I put those into place. I, I looked at the secret and you know what in the book and I recommend it to everyone. So I got the physical book and I also got the audio, okay. So I read the physical book first and it was something.

Speaker 3:

She has different people that come on and give them examples of when they were waiting for their spouse. So there was this guy and it's all, all nationalities, you know, it's open and everything like that. And there was. You talk about this guy that he had loads of money and he said he was saying to her look, Rhonda, I've always kind of like, wanted to. I've dated all these models, all these you know amazing women, but I want love now I'm ready to settle down. So she said, um, I think she if she, she or someone went into his, his house and it was lovely, elaborate, but she said there was a painting. But there was a painting of someone looking away. Yeah, so I think part of it. What she was saying is you have to kind of invoke something that is welcoming yeah yeah.

Speaker 3:

So you know, have something that shows. Not why would someone look away. If someone wants to come, they should be open, yeah. And so another one was, um, a lady that was waiting for her husband, and then she kind of went into her, her room and just had a view of how the lady lives and she says you always sleep in the middle of the bed. You know, when you get married and stuff, what would happen? I know right, where would your husband sleep if you're hogging the whole bed? And he also said I'm not talking single bed, a double bed. So she said, oh, what side would you like to sleep on? She said, right, she said okay, so maybe you sleep on the right side and leave the left side free. Because again you're you're calling those things that are not as though they are that when your husband comes, that's where he would sleep.

Speaker 3:

When she looked in her wardrobe everything, as you know, women's wardrobes, the wardrobe, everything her house was full, there was no space and she, okay, so if your husband does come here, say he comes to your house first. I know there's all you know. Traditionally you go to your husband's house, but you know, let's be real, we live in the 21st century. Now Things change. She said have you got space in this house for anyone else apart from yourself? So, you know, make sure your wardrobe could fit someone else in, and things like that. So, basically these I took. Sorry, ok, a bit of a tickle. Do you want some water? Yeah, excuse me. So I was taking all those things, taking all those things on board. Yeah, and OK. So there was a time again, and you know, like I said, this was all praying to God and asking for God's wisdom to make me someone that seems like I'm ready to settle down and, you know, be a good wife and be ready to live a married life.

Speaker 3:

So probably Two or three years before then, my brother, who was living in America at the time, had and this is when I was in the UK, he had, he needed to be in the UK, he wasn't feeling well and he came over and he said sis, can I just stay with you for three months? I said, yeah, sure, sure, sure. And now this was this was a test on my kind of patience, because I was at that point, quite, um, kind of OCD in terms of my tidiness. So you know, when I finish in the kitchen, I wipe it down and stuff. When my brother now used to come, he would come, you know he'd have cereal. Everything would be sprinkled on the worktop, you know he would.

Speaker 3:

He would eat, like, say, you have rice and you know you finished or there's like a little handful left. Rather than wash the pot, he put the whole pot in the fridge. Now these were things that really I'm talking about really and I'm like you know, please, when you finish, just wipe the surface down. If you know you've, you know you're not going to finish all the rice, put it in a container and then put the container in the fridge. Don't put the pot in the fridge. It's not kind of hygienic. And then I just thought, oh God, give me strength here. So this went on and on and then a friend I knew he said he was staying three months. So a friend that both knows, our family friend. They said to him oh, it's so good to have you. How long are you staying? He said, oh, I think I'm going next week and this is after you've just been a week. And then I kind of went to see him after. I said well, what happened? Why are you? you know, he said oh, it's just yeah, he just seems like you know I'm making you unhappy by being in your house. He says I want you to be free. When your friend was here, he's laughing. But and then we spoke about it and I said, bruv, you know what it is? I said I'm so used to living on my own and things being a certain way. In a nice way, I said you can be kind of messy, you know, I just said.

Speaker 3:

It's just these sort of things like I'm tired, I come from work and I might want to have something, and you've. I thought, okay, brilliant, there's some leftover cereal or something. And I go and empty the box and there's nothing in there because you haven't thrown it away, and if I knew I could have bought more. So we talked it through and then he said okay, I will try harder and I said to him and I will try harder to be less OCD and less, you know, regimented.

Speaker 3:

And so I think God was teaching me at that time because if your husband comes and that happens, you know after a while you guys are going to be like cat and dog. So to have a bit of patience, you know, if some things happen and probably kind of like leave it to the side or have a wait, maybe you just pick it up and leave it. You know that whole toothpaste squeeze it from.

Speaker 2:

Everyone knows I don't know why that is such a problem, but it used to be a problem for me.

Speaker 3:

Yeah, really yeah, you've got to be bothered. You've got toothpaste and then, basically, someone comes a fresh toothpaste. Now what is hard? Take off the thing and press it from the bottom and let it ease up through that way. No, you just do it from the middle.

Speaker 2:

I'm the middle one and my husband is the one that does it from the bottom, so it's been a problem for us as well.

Speaker 3:

So, but then again, you just have to walk through it. You walk, you work through it and then I guess God is teaching you patience. Is this choose your battles? Is this really that important? Yeah, and then another one I've learned of being married is like have one toothpaste each, you know, especially if you've got double sink, you know. I mean we've managed now to just share one, but initially that would have been a way to settle it. So, um, yeah, I mean, like I said, I I put all these down. I started praying to God to to work on me to make me be someone that's going to be easy to live with anyway. Yeah, so we went, I went through all that and then, um, my time in the states came to an end so I moved back.

Speaker 3:

Um, in between, I'd been seeing this guy who was at. I'd met when I came. I used to always come back in the three years every Christmas because, like I said, my family's very, very close, we're very close, we always do Christmas together. Yeah, so, even though I was in the States, I came back and I met this guy at the church I used to go to. So it was kind of dating, but again dating, with his view of a Christian relationship and mine were different. Okay, so it was just a case of it didn't. It didn't last. I just thought this is just a waste of time. This guy's draining me, you know, and his view of the relationship and mine were different. So I kind of ended that.

Speaker 3:

And this was back in 2010, I believe yeah, my last year where I was coming back 2010. I moved, I went there 2007,. It was three years and then just say now, the next year, February. I was now back in the UK and you know, I ended up in 2011, in the February, and then my sister my younger sister called me, said oh, Bunmi, um, I've met this guy, I work with him. He's a really lovely guy, you know. He's like a big brother to me. I always go to him if I've got any issues. He's our team leader and I think he'd be really good for you.

Speaker 3:

And I said and remember I'd already prayed about you know, god, look, just bring someone and someone that you want, not the kind of person I've probably been dating in the past. Yeah, so I'd already broken up with the other guy and I was open to it. Yeah, yeah, so I'd already broken up with the other guy and I was open to it. Yeah, and prior to that, with my um, uh, my prayer team, like four of us, I kept saying to the ladies you know what?

Speaker 3:

I've got this feeling that something's going to happen soon. You know, you know that I can. You see, my husband and I was having these dreams of walking down well, walking down the aisle and this guy turned, but I couldn't see any face. He was either turned back I see his back but I was walking down and I literally felt myself there. And then now, going to work in the mornings, I was like, oh, I've got this feeling that something's going to happen. And I was telling my group of prayer girls and they were like, oh gosh, for me, you know, and you know you were very vivid with it I said, yeah, yeah, it's like you know, when you've got this feeling in your water that something's about to happen, so it's like I would go, I'd be sitting on the train into work and I'd be looking.

Speaker 2:

I think and it's really weird, yeah, tell it.

Speaker 3:

I swear I'd be looking at this guy. They're probably quite as bad.

Speaker 3:

What's wrong with this girl looking at me? It's the one you know, or I turned a corner, you know, it was that strong in me, yeah. So then my sister calls, you know, and I can't remember the time of how I was feeling like that and then she calls and she says oh, for me there's this guy. I think he'd be really good for you. And um, I said she said are you interested? And she said I know you just finished with so-and-so, and then you know name any names. But, um, I said yeah, yeah, why not? You know, I'm not seeing anyone. You know what you know might as well.

Speaker 3:

So she'd kind of given me a break. She didn't give me too much. I thought, let me just find out, you know, you know, when you myself, yeah, and she'd give me a picture. And I thought, okay, seems cute enough, you know. And she probably did the same for him. And then I said, all right, then just give it, give him my number. I said I don't want his number. Give him my number. You know why I did that? Because the thing is, it's the case, there's certain things, yeah, but certain things I'm traditional about. Yeah, it's like you know, I understand now women can call guys and all that sort of stuff. But I thought if it's his cat, I want this guy to call me and see if he's got some. Get up and go. So he called me and you know, I thought we talked and it was so easy to talk to him. Yeah, you know, we again. I mean, I think when we talked the first time he was on the phone for about three hours. Wow, yeah, and I'm not that sort of person now.

Speaker 3:

Apart from my girlfriends. Even with girlfriends, I don't stay on the phone for three hours, yeah, but it was a good sign. We just talked about everything. Talked about his family, mine. We both were part of a family that has five siblings.

Speaker 2:

Okay, yeah.

Speaker 3:

And the breakdown was the same as well. And the breakdown was the same as well two boys and three girls. And then he had his mum. He was close to his family, very important. He was the first son and he's Igbo, so first son, there's a lot of responsibility and he took his responsibilities very seriously and we started off with just talking and I really looked forward and you know what was unusual about him, because prior to that, like I said, the relationships I was going, they weren't really lasting.

Speaker 3:

It was a case of, you know, if a guy says he's going to call, like I said, two weeks later, you're still waiting, you're still waiting. And I and I was hardcore Because of, again what my mum used to say don't never rely on any girl I thought, okay, you don't call me, I'm not calling you. And they would say, oh gosh, you're hard, you're hard. I thought you said you were going to call, so I would like, even though it would be eating me up. I thought, no, see, see, if I call you, just say this is january, christmas, see, if I call you, this is I was hardcore. So, basically, um, what happened?

Speaker 3:

So, yeah, he was a man of his word, he, if he said, he would call. You know I mean to the point when I was talking because again, I shared this with my prayer group I said, no, this I told them when I'd met him and you know, we, we were just sharing the journey. And then you know I'd say to them, oh yeah, we call. And then I was saying, but then you know I was thinking, is it even too much? You know, I spoke to you yesterday. We spent three hours. Where's Jane from yesterday?

Speaker 3:

You still want to speak to me again, exactly, and then I'm thinking but don't be ungrateful, because this is what you were complaining about with the other guys, yeah, and so you know we went back and forth like that probably about three weeks, and then he said, oh, should we meet up? And I said, oh, yeah, that would be nice. He said, okay, what type of food do you like? And I thought, okay, this is good. Does it mean he's going to arrange it? But I thought I was just playing along.

Speaker 3:

I said, yeah, I like Indian cuisine, and he organized everything. He said, you know, let's get somewhere central. Um, he got somewhere where which was near my church at the time, Calvary Chapel in Victoria. So he went to this Indian restaurant, really nice food. And you know, we met. And that was the first time we met, because obviously now that's like a blind. I'd never met him physically, he'd just been speaking, speaking and, um, yeah, we met, and I mean his. His events of that day are different from mine. There's always the way. Yeah, he said when we met, you kept staring at me. I thought, hey, he said, did this woman's mother not bring her up properly?

Speaker 3:

Has she not seen man before? Or is she supposed to be a Christian woman? The way she? She's just looking at me, She's looking at me, like she wants to eat me. And I'm like I said babes, this is not the the true, that's not my version. My version is let me see what I'm attracted to to this guy. He's got he's got nice eyes, you know. Because he had these hazel eyes, I said, you know, that's why I was looking at you to say what can I say nice about you? Yeah, so your version and my version of the tree is exactly. Yeah, so we joke, we joke about that, we go back and joke about it. So after a while, we, we talked, we, you know, and this was in February 2011 yeah and um.

Speaker 3:

He was living in Bristol, I was living in um in Wembley, north West London. So we'd arrange like he'd he'd come for the weekend, he'd stay at his friends and then, you know it'd be Friday, we'd meet up, we'd, you know, talk and just talk about what was important for to both of us, because we both knew that we didn't really want to waste time. You know, he was he's a year older than me and when I met him I was 41. Okay, so, which means he was 42. And you know, it's a case of we know what we want. We want to settle down, we both wanted marriage, yeah, but so we talked about everything. We also went to when we knew he was going to marriage. We went to marriage guidance counselling at my church.

Speaker 3:

It was like an eight-week session where they just take you for eight weeks every time. Mine was one week, oh no, one day, oh no, eight weeks. One day was mine. Every friday, every friday evening went for everything you know to do with finances uh, family, just different topics every and it was. It was very beneficial, eye opening and stuff you think you know about already how to navigate that. So we went through that.

Speaker 3:

And then, in September of that same year, we went to Nigeria. I stayed at my family, he stayed at his, and to literally introduce our families to each other. So that was good as well. And again getting to know the person because behind the person is the family as well. And then, in the December, on Christmas Eve, he um asked me to marry him, and I remember when he it was just before my family were coming round to, you know, stay over, because we see Christmas in together. So December 2011 and new year's eve, and then he, you know, did the proposal and and he was on one knee no, well, he didn't. initially. He, you know, said the normal things you know, I love you and all this sort of thing, yeah, which was it was nice, it was know. He said it in his own way. It was very touching. And then I looked at him and I was laughing. I just wasn't. There was no crying, don't worry. Like I said a bit hardcore and I said wait a minute, get out what is, get down on one knee. I thought I want the one knee. I might have been, I want the one knee as well. So he was laughing. I thought this girl, this girl, what am I getting myself, this woman? And yeah, he proposed. And then when my family came and my mum was there and all of it, and then we said we got engaged, and my mum was so happy, she was just smiling from ear to ear because out of the five children I was the first one. I just kept praying when are my children going to get married? What have I done, God?

Speaker 2:

You see, that's what I want to ask. Why is it that people feel that there's something wrong when there's a bit of a delay or a waiting period? Why do people think there's something wrong Because you said your mum was praying? What have I done wrong? And I know a lot of aunties and mummies, I know.

Speaker 3:

There of aunties and mommies. I know there's something, there's something wrong. I think it's culturally and I think that they forget that things have changed from their time. Okay, so when they were growing up and courting and whatever they used to call it it, by the time that they were in their 20s they were, like, you know, married already. Yeah, so they, they can't, kind of like, understand why it's different. Now you know things. Obviously they're different for different reasons. You know people either concentrating their careers or you know a lot of single households, just that you know the economics.

Speaker 3:

There's a vast amount of reasons why people are not marrying earlier. Yeah, and we, we know that we probably won't go into them, but they don't understand that concept. So therefore, they think it's either our fault, because my mom and my sister used to say are you being too picky? I'm sure everyone listens to this single. They're saying they've heard it as well. Yeah, are you being too picky? Yeah, and it's like, well, we're not being too picky. But you know, is it that we should? Just you go for the first one that says, because of some sort of desperation, we're not desperate.

Speaker 3:

And the thing is, if you're not sure and you go for the wrong person? Is it just to rush into marriage and then be in one of the statistics Because I don't know what it is now, but before and probably that was two, three years ago one in every marriage ends in divorce. And now they say and I don't know if it's reached there yet that there's more people living in single households, and I'm not talking about people that are married. So therefore, it's a case of is it necessary for us to rush into the wrong thing or wait, like before? And then they say oh you, what my you, what my mom? You say you, kids of today, you don't have any patience with things. Don't like, you, don't like it. Then you just finish it. That's what she said one time when I told her that I'd broken up with someone, which is why I then tended to not tell her about.

Speaker 2:

That's what a lot of yeah, I tell I do not tell her and the thing, is.

Speaker 3:

I only told her about my husband when I knew he was the one. Yeah, and we'd already started discussing marriage because before him that gentleman.

Speaker 3:

I said we'd been, you know, been in a relationship for over five years yeah, when it finished, it was hard enough for me that, when I told her it's like I had to go through it again, you know, kind of like I had to go through it again, you know, kind of like making her feel you know okay about it, oh, like crying. Oh God, what have I done? You know what has she done? I thought I'm the one that has broken up with the guy. Yeah, I said, mom, it's all right, you know, it's okay, oh, but I don't want you to end up single like me. I said, mom, it didn't work out. Oh, you don't have patience. You know what would you like to say? What have you done, you know? And so I just thought, you know what, I'm not going through this again. It's going to be a case of when I know that god has put in my heart that this is the guy that's when she'll get the introduction, because we're not going through this again, you know.

Speaker 3:

So, yeah, I don't know. I just think it's generational, it's just different. They don't understand the concept of why it's taking us longer. They don't know. It's not something that we in we're intending to do, it's just the this the economic situation we're in, or the situation when, which was different from their time and I think also these days.

Speaker 2:

A lot of people are not even sure of where they're going themselves in terms of their financial situation in terms of their work, career, stuff like that.

Speaker 2:

They don't know where they're going. So getting into a marriage with somebody is not something you take lightly. So I think it's something that maybe that's the reason why people are hesitant. But what I want to find out is whether this issue of 30s in the beginning you mentioned something about when you were in your 30s you were not thinking about marriage. But then, in your later disease and I'm thinking, okay, maybe where did this 30 year thing come from?

Speaker 3:

I think the 30 year thing, obviously at the back of my mind. It's a case of, if you do want to have children, okay, it's in your 30s, early to mid-30s. And then I think by that time I knew that I'd already finished the studying per se. I wasn't gonna. I know some people like studying continuously. There's people that in their 50s, 60s did master's, phd, you know, and you know it's good for them. But I knew that I'd kind of done with the studying because for me I didn't feel like I had a break. It was just, you know, school, secondary school, uni, you know, professional accounts exams, then straight to work. I just thought I need the break. So I then I just thought I'd got myself into my career early in terms of it was a good job, so I'd kind of ticked all the boxes. So now I just thought, okay, I am ready to settle down. Like I said, I dated, I had my own place. It's like, you know, I was financially independent. So it wasn't like what you just said is, maybe because people are, you know, financially or not, um, ready career-wise. I'd already, I was ready, you know. So I'd already finished all of that. So for me it's a case of okay, I'm ready to settle down.

Speaker 3:

And then another thing is in all that time I'd been traveling. I mean, I have a love of traveling and I think we all got it from my mum. You know, our first holiday together she took us to Florida and we used to always have family holidays together. So we had that, you know, that travel bug. So as soon as I was able to independently pay for my own trips, I used to go with my friends or my sisters, or I always traveled, you know. So I guess what I say to that, for people that are waiting, because you say, navigating you know how to how you wait for your husband is don't wait and be still and don't do anything and just think that you know when he comes he will complete me you know that all that sort of stuff you just just no.

Speaker 2:

Straight into my next question. What posture should a woman waiting or a man waiting have?

Speaker 3:

yeah, live your life. That's what you need to do you know, because the thing is okay, like you said, traveling for one.

Speaker 3:

If traveling is for you, just do that, enjoy yourself. You know I went into amazing holidays and then there's no restrictions and that you know. Okay, yes, when you, your husband, comes, you can travel together, but then you know there's a. It's a different experience when you're traveling with your husband and when you're traveling with your girlfriends or group of friends, you know you can do what you want and what have you not have to think about the other person. You know responsibly, but you know what I mean. It's a different holiday and you know there's things that, ok, you might just want to travel with one person. You know A girl's holiday is different from a couple's holiday. Yeah, so you do, you're just experimenting, experiencing different life, looking at different cultures. You know, or you know you want to go somewhere or you can enjoy.

Speaker 3:

I know when you get married, no one's saying life stops. It's a different thing. You enjoy yourselves together, you can go out, you can do those stuff, but your single life, enjoy your single life because it makes you independent and it's that person that you are kind of cultivating in your single life, which is what your partner, your husband, is attracted to. Because if you're someone that's been sheltered and just waiting, sitting there waiting for your husband, you've not experienced in all of these what happens when, like you, do get married, you might be one of the ones that fall pregnant quickly. And yes, you know, traveling with a husband and a child is not the same as traveling in your own. It's a different experience. You can't go and be, you know, doing the um, climbing the rocky mountains or whatever you need to do with the child in the backpacking. Yes, some people do it, but let's be realistic and it gets expensive.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, it does.

Speaker 3:

So you know, just going out to dinner doing things, that makes you a better person, because then, when you now meet your spouse, you then come together and you talk about shared experiences. Maybe they have travelled, or it might be something else that they've enjoyed doing. They've enjoyed cooking classes, doing different things. You know it makes you the person you are. So you know, and you bring more into the marriage than just waiting and then expecting your life to be transformed when this person comes into your life.

Speaker 2:

You said something earlier about somebody completing you. Can you talk on that a bit? Oh, you know what?

Speaker 3:

When I hear that term, it kind of crates on me. It just sounds like you know fairy tale you know Rapunzel waiting for her prince to come, romeo and Juliet Romeo and Juliet, because he completes me. You know. Complete yourself, please. You know, you just don't need someone to complete you.

Speaker 2:

Yeah.

Speaker 3:

Because individually you're whole. Yes, that's it. Yes, you don't need. You know, he comes together. He's my 50%, I'm his 50%, we come together 100%. No, you know, god made each of us whole. Yes, yes, he said it's not good that man should be alone, but he didn't say that we're 50 without the other person.

Speaker 3:

You know we don't need that. We should stop thinking about that because like that, I just think it's so immature thinking and I'm sorry, you know I don't want to insult anyone, but no, you don't need anyone to complete you. If anyone's going to complete you, it's god, you know exactly, and he, he already made you 100 whole person. Yeah, in his image. You don't need anyone to complete you.

Speaker 2:

Be your own self there's a question that I have for you, which I wrote. I'm just going to read the question to you and, um, um, if you could just answer this for me, please. So in what ways do you think societal expectations about marriage impact women mentally and emotionally, and how should society alter these perceptions to support women better?

Speaker 3:

Yeah, it's a tough one. First of all, I think societal expectations about marriage is too high for women. I think there's this perception that there's just one path you know, you go to school, you do well, you get married, you have children and there's kind of like no deviation for that, like no deviation for that. I think what needs to happen is the pressure needs to come up or needs to come off. You need to literally let a woman be what she wants, to have a passion for things that are interesting to her, um, develop her own career or her own likes, and basically the pressure about getting married or having children should be taken away, because you're not supporting women by having those heavy expectations.

Speaker 3:

That's where we have the mental health issue. That's where you get the issues of depression, of loneliness. You should celebrate a woman being independent and wanting to live her life. If these things happen, if she gets married or she has children, she wants to do those things, then that's fine. But I think you should celebrate all different avenues, all different options yeah, that's true, that's true, thank you.

Speaker 2:

Thank you for that, yeah. But then there are a lot of women who are depressed because of this situation and, for instance, they won't go to certain places because they don't want anybody to ask them where their husband is. Speak to somebody who's in that situation at this point in time, who's feeling like oh, woe is me. I've been waiting, God, you've promised, you said in your word, that you'll bring solitary into families, and I've been waiting on you for so long and it's not happening yet. What do I do? Speak to someone who's in that situation. It's not happening yet.

Speaker 3:

What do I do? Speak to someone who's in that situation. I would say to someone in that situation your feelings are not unreal and you know, there's times when I was waiting I did feel down, you know. I just thought, you know, probably harping on like my mother what have I done to deserve this?

Speaker 3:

Who have I wronged in the past? You know I've gone to church. God, I pray to you. Why is it taking so long? You know I was in that situation where All my friends are getting married. What's happening to me? Yes, how many bridesmaid dresses will I wear? You know there's this film with 27 dresses or something.

Speaker 3:

So what I'm saying is that your feelings are not invalid. You know, there are times that you're going to feel down and just think. You know why. What I've been, I've been waiting, I've been praying, I've done everything, you know, I've helped everyone else to get married. All I say in that time is you know, and not to belittle, it is important just you know what pray and I know you've been praying, but pray really really helps, really helps.

Speaker 3:

And just I'm not talking about quote the scriptures from top to bottom, you know, from Genesis to Revelations. I'm just saying, just go to the scriptures that talk about, you know, feeling lonely. You know just the ones that talk about marriage and just call those into being. Just say, lord, you know you said it's not good for man to be alone. Lord, bring my husband to me and in the way, lord, give me the patience to wait. You know, and it could just be a one-off. Sometimes you're feeling bad, you don't, you don't, it doesn't have to be long and laborious. Just say, lord, I am, I am really feeling really down today. Lord, please help me, please help me. You know what I want, you know what the desires of my heart are. You know, help me in this situation and then you know, like I said, the things that help be active in trying to do this in terms of again, like I said, with God, but put those things into being.

Speaker 3:

Like I said, I read that book, the secret. I also got um power of a praying wife because someone stormy, or martian, yeah, and, and the thing is, yeah, someone already had told me to get that before the husband came, because then it's it's got prayer points and topics in there about when you are married. But they said pray those topics before you get married as well. So be active. If you feel depressed and think you know what, make it part of your project to call that husband into being so manifest it Manifest.

Speaker 2:

That's the new lingo now.

Speaker 3:

Yes, manifest the husband. Manifest the husband, yes, use the scriptures. Okay, God, you said this, I'm bringing you to your word on this, yeah, and then you know things are okay. Then I think, at one point, even before he came, I started thinking, okay, you know, especially like I've got the power of a praying husband, I've looked at the secret, I've made it manifest myself. God, work on me in terms of what I need to do, like I said, having patience for when they do come. And then I think what I did is like someone was even saying start looking at when is the wedding, what you, what colours do you want? And I thought, okay, I know, I went there.

Speaker 2:

I went to that level.

Speaker 3:

I thought you know what? I've always loved red. Okay, because I'm wearing red today this is for Christmas, so, um, I thought I would like a red and white theme, so roses were my favourite, and I even started looking online at different designs. So I'm telling you, by the time he did come. We talked about red.

Speaker 2:

I knew my colour scheme, you were ready.

Speaker 3:

I was ready.

Speaker 2:

Just make yourself busy about what you really want, but I know people who've done that and they've done that for several years. They've gone to the church where they say bring your wedding, bring your wedding gown, let us pray. Yeah, they've done that. They've done all the wedding scheme whatever color schemes, and all of that, and I'm still still not here.

Speaker 3:

So again, most important number one is the praying and continuing to pray about it. Yeah, because I've had Not giving up, not giving up, not giving up, because there's times, in fact, I've been praying all these years he's not listening to me, but it's the time you stop that. You think, okay, he is hearing, but I guess he just wants to know that you still trust him. You know, because I've had friends in the same position that have been waiting for years and then, one by one, you see them getting married. Yeah, and, like you said, you know, you don't think, oh god, when it would be my turn. And then you see that actually it came because I prayed about it and and I know someone might be listening say, I've prayed as well, but me, you know, it's not working for me. Just keep praying, you don't stop.

Speaker 3:

Yeah, you have to continuously pray about it yeah and especially the times you don't want to pray and you think I've had enough of this. He's not really listening to me.

Speaker 2:

He's listening to you yeah, um, so you told us earlier on, when you were introducing yourself, that you're a wife and a mom, but you also mentioned that at some point you were told that it was too late for you to freeze your eggs. So how did you become a mom? Can you tell us about that? How did that?

Speaker 3:

happen? Yes, so, as I said before, I didn't accept what that gynaecologist said. I just thought you know what? I'm a Christian, I believe in God and I know what God's promises are for me. So I just prayed again.

Speaker 3:

I use this book, actually called Supernatural Childbirth, and you can get it on Amazon and it just has these different scriptures that you can pray for. You know, even before you conceive, conceive about talking about what sort of child you want to be, what sort of delivery you want and everything. It was just perfect. It just gave you a way to pray about this child that you wanted, and so I used that. And also when she, when she was born, basically we, we named her Chizara, which is a, an Igbo name, and what that means is God answered. So God answered my prayers of me having a child, and the sort of child that I wanted, because the whole childbirth was seamless in terms of nine months, no sickness, I had a good pregnancy, I slept, I ate, you know, within reason, but it was just straightforward because obviously, at that age I mean, I got married, like I said, at 42, I fell pregnant at 43, I had her at 44 and that's sort of the age where they say you're going to have problems. You know and I didn't, and I just give God all the thanks for that and again going through kind of prayers and asking God.

Speaker 3:

My name is Bunmi, but my full name is Bunmi, and when my mother had me before me she had two boys and, yes, she loved her sons but she also wanted a girl. So she prayed to God for a girl and then she had me. So my name actually means God's gift and what she she's calling me is I was God's gift to her and that same kind of vein. On my wedding day, when my husband did his speech, he explained to everybody what my name meant and then he just said that for me is God's gift to me. So I say this to encourage everyone Thank you. I say this to encourage everyone that even whatever the world says, if you know that you know and God's put in your heart a desire to get married or a desire to have children, keep it there and just trust between you and God. Don't listen to the world, pray about it, believe it and it will come to pass as well. So you know God will answer your prayers as well. In Jesus' name.

Speaker 2:

Amen. So is there any advice you have for women out there who are waiting for their partners how to position themselves? Any advice in general?

Speaker 3:

Yeah, sure, I'd say, be open to other nationalities, other races, other ethnicities, and be open to where your partner is in life at that point in time as well. He may not be the next Richard Branson or drive a ferrari, but then are you oprah rinfrey? Do you drive a Rolls Royce? Look at the characteristics that will get them there if that's what you want. You know, are they hardworking, financially independent and not work-shy, and do they love God? Ultimately, you want someone who's God's best for you, who's going to love you and make you happy, and vice versa, you know? And then another be open to where you could meet your future spouse, i. e. fr an introduction, a park station or through online dating. I mean, there's nothing wrong with online dating. I know two very close people to me who met their husbands online and now they're very happily married. And I guess the last point I wanted to make is be aware of how you're perceived. You know, would you, would you, if you were yourself, want to go out with someone like you? And let me give you an example of that.

Speaker 3:

When I was dating my husband, or after we got married, one of my best friends said to him why, Bunmi, why did you choose to marry Bunmi. And you know, he said, you know what, I observed her and I observed the way she carried on or acted around her family. She was very caring to her mama, her dad, her siblings and the caring person in general. And then, you know, she was very kind. And then another thing he said which I didn't think was a big thing he said she listened, mind. And then another thing he said which I didn't think was a big thing he said she listened. I think for him in the past he was in relationships where he had, you know, partners or girlfriends that didn't listen to him.

Speaker 3:

And he gave an example of one time he said when I was, um, when I was going out and dating your, your friend, she, we were talking one time and she kept coughing, coughing, coughing and this thing was bothering me and she was. It was late night, she was finishing work late, so I was just talking with her and I said look, maybe this cough of yours, you need to do something about it. There's this thing called robinson, or like some cough mixture, and I'd never heard of it in my life. So, as he was talking, I'm going through liverpool street station, I see a boot. I walked straight up to the pharmacist and I said to him babes, I'm at the pharmacy, speak to the lady, tell her the name. So I gave her the phone, she told me what it is, I bought it and that was it.

Speaker 3:

Now I didn't think there was anything big about that because I thought, look, I want to get rid of this cough as well. But it was something that touched him because he said she listened to me. You know, she took my advice on board and that meant something to him. So I mean, ultimately, he did say he first started saying your friend was hard work. You remember I said I was hardcore, but he said despite that, these are the characteristics and I say that to say remember how you're perceived, always try and be a good person, because someone's always watching and that could be your future husband.

Speaker 2:

So yeah, wow, thank you so much for that. Okay and um, we're first coming to the end of the program. I don't know where the time goes oh, that went quick time goes where we start talking but, um, we're fast coming to the end, so I just wanted to ask one quick question has my rate lived up to your expectations? It has, it has, it has it's humbled me.

Speaker 3:

It's humbled you. It really has humbled me. Well, again, you know I was, I was so used to being single, for you know, like I said, I didn't get married till. I was what was it? 41, 42, 42, 42, 42. 42? Yeah, and you know, it humbled me for patience and not. What my husband always says to me is he doesn't have any expectations of people.

Speaker 2:

Okay.

Speaker 3:

And I think he was probably trying to say maybe I did so. If you don't have any expectations of people because people are not perfect, if they fall short or they're not able, you don't get upset. Never assume or presume you know or expect things from people. I'm not saying give to receive, just little things, because you'd think I'm someone that likes to give and help people and I guess sometimes I think, oh, just a little bit, you know I've been doing this, can you just offer to help me bit. You know I've been doing this. You know, can you just, yeah, not, or just, can you just offer to help me? You know, isn't it? You know? And he just says never, never, presume.

Speaker 3:

So he's taught me a lot of things. Yeah, it's, it's, let me have patience. Yeah, gain, you know, because you know you just expect you do things a certain way. You expect the other person, your, your husband or partner, to do the same thing. Doesn't work like that. So, and and it's, it's, it's a partnership. Yeah, that's right, and it's, you know, it's a partnership, and that person is your best friend. I mean, I used to think, when people say, oh, they're my best friend, again I was like, again used to be feel for me, like, oh, they complete me, they're your best friend. In terms of you've come to be best friends, you've come to rely on that person, to be that sounding board, to be that person that has your back, because you know you mirror certain kind of attributes. You know you know what they think. You know when you're asking them a question or someone's asking them, you know what they're going to say, because you've come to know that person and you've come to trust that person as well, and obviously love is at the top.

Speaker 3:

But, yeah, it's about partnership, friendship, love, commitment, trust all of those and obviously within the confines, and being able to pray together as well.

Speaker 2:

Okay, so we like to end this show on a note of hope. So what would you like to say to show on a note of hope? Yes, so what would you like to say to somebody out there who's been waiting, who's trusting, who's praying, who's hoping and looking forward to their wedding day? What would you like to say to them to encourage them?

Speaker 3:

I would say to them your time will come. If that's what God wants you to do, Just keep praying and trusting, Even when there's down days. Keep praying and just calling God to remembrance in terms of what he's promised for you, yeah, and it will come to pass.

Speaker 2:

And call God to remembrance exactly, and it will come to pass. Amen, thank you, thank you for me so much for coming on to the show. Really, really grateful for your time, thanks for having me yeah hopefully you come back again for something else soon. Yes, I will take care. Thank you so much and we've come to the end of today's show. Thank you all for listening into another episode of navigating the chapters of challenge and hopefully you'll be with us again sometime soon. Until then, take care, and God bless you.