Keeping the Spark Alive in Marriage- Bola & Bayo

In this episode of "Navigating the Chapters of Challenge," we dive into the secrets of a lasting and fulfilling marriage with Bola and Bayo, who have been married for 25 years and share two beautiful children. As they celebrate this significant milestone, they open up about the ups and downs of their journey together and how they’ve managed to keep the love, passion, and fun alive through it all.

Key Discussion Points:

• Marriage Tips for Longevity: Bola and Bayo reveal the key strategies they’ve used to sustain a loving relationship over two and a half decades, emphasizing the importance of communication, trust, and mutual respect.
• Keeping Fun Alive in Marriage: They share practical advice on how to infuse fun and excitement into everyday life, from small surprises to shared hobbies, ensuring that the marriage doesn’t become routine or stale.
• Navigating the Stages of Marriage: As life evolves, so does marriage. Bola and Bayo discuss the different stages they’ve navigated—from newlyweds to parenting—and how they’ve adapted to each phase while keeping their bond strong.
• Friendship as the Foundation: Discover why being best friends is at the heart of their successful marriage. They explain how maintaining a deep friendship has helped them weather challenges and enjoy the journey together.
• Insights for Other Couples: Whether you’re newly married or have been together for years, Bola and Bayo offer valuable insights into what couples can do to keep their marriage fresh, vibrant, and full of love, no matter what challenges arise.

Join us for an inspiring conversation that will leave you with actionable tips and a renewed sense of commitment to keeping the spark alive in your own marriage. This episode is a must-listen for anyone looking to nurture a loving and passionate relationship that stands the test of time.

🎧 Listen now and start building a marriage that thrives through every chapter of life! #MarriageTips #KeepingLoveAlive #MarriageAdvice #25YearsStrong #FriendshipInMarriage

Transcript

SPEAKER_01: 0:02

so

SPEAKER_00: 0:30

Hello and welcome to Navigating the Chapters of Challenge with Tele. Today I've got a lovely couple in the house, my very first couple on the show and I'm excited to have them with me. I've got Bola and Bayo today with me. I'm going to ask them to introduce themselves briefly and then we'll go into the topic for today but I'm really excited about today's topic. It's a fun one. People have said things have been a bit heavy lately so let's make it light and fun so I got the best couple to do that. So Please welcome Bola and Bayo. Please say hello to everybody, Bola. Oh, hello. And Bayo. Hello. Thank you so much for coming on. So I'm just going to get you guys to introduce yourselves briefly. Tell us who you are, what you do, and then we'll take it from there.

SPEAKER_01: 1:22

well hello um i'm bio and i work in pharmacy um so i've been married for uh 25 years this year oh wow silver jubilee yeah so i'm still saving to see what we're going to do i've been saving for ages and ages yeah very good eternity ring an idea Please don't give her ideas. I hope they're here already, don't worry. Yeah, so, yeah, so, spare time, I love reading, travelling, love a lot of travelling as well. Arsenal fan, you know. Don't hold that against me. Yeah, so that's just me, really. Okay. Bola?

SPEAKER_00: 2:05

Hello, my name is Bola. I'm a pharmacist as well, been a pharmacist... Since 1998 in this country, so quite a while. Okay. I'm a proud mum of two, a beautiful son and a daughter. Yep. And in my spare time, I do like to do a bit of reading. He has, you know, kind of, you know, taken that from me, but what can I say? And lately, you know, getting a little bit into travelling as well. Yeah. And yeah, so yeah, that's me in a nutshell. Okay, Bola and Bayo in a nutshell. So, I would like you to tell us how you met, where you met, just a little bit about your story. Should I go first? Yeah, go on. Okay, so as you might have noticed, we're both pharmacists. So we both went to the same school in Nigeria, but I knew him. He was two years my senior, but we weren't sort of, we were just friendly. We're not, you know, like that. So we came here, we both came here unbeknownst to each other. And then when you came here, you'd have to go to Sunderland to do an exam to be able to practice here as an overseas pharmacist. So and then you just would get the Okay. Okay. And then what really happened during the study group was instead of actually, you know, looking at the studies. You were looking at him. I was kind of looking at him. And actually, really, it was more his voice really that attracted me to him. So I used to go to study group and enjoy listening to him, blah, blah. And then after a while, after the study, you now go off to Sunderland to do your exam. Yeah. So you have to, you go there, give it a bit of time, you know. I think, how long did you have to go for? About a month? Yeah. About a month before we go. So everybody has to book up their accommodation first. where they stay. So we ended up staying in the same house. So we got even more friends in the kitchen. So from there, he kind of, you know, What do you have to say? Is that how it happened, Bayo?

SPEAKER_01: 4:07

Yeah, more or less, yeah. Because, yeah, I think it was mutual attraction, really. Okay.

SPEAKER_00: 4:14

He saw a rose in the garden. Okay.

SPEAKER_01: 4:20

And that's how the roses blossomed over the last quarter of a century. Yeah. It makes me feel very old.

SPEAKER_00: 4:26

Yeah. So they actually hooked up, per se, in April 1997. In April 1997. You might not remember this, but that's when we actually hooked up. Okay. I'm sure you remember everything about that date, I'm sure. Oh, I sure do. Tell us a bit about it. Well, you know. If you can. Yeah. I mean, it was just a case of, you know, I kind of knew what was in my mind and I kind of knew he had thoughts towards me. Towards you. And then one day, he started talking and, you know, saying, you know, blah, da, da, da, da. And I said, okay. Yeah, blah, da, da, da, da, too. So, that's how we all got together. But, yeah. So, yeah. So, very early on, I did say to him look here what are we doing here okay because you know we have to know what we're doing yeah so he's looking to you know get married and blah blah i said all right then we can continue so that's how we you know that's how it started okay um okay so um today's topic really is about keeping The marriage interesting, keeping it fun. And I've watched you guys over the years and you guys just do lots of fun things and all. And I'm always like, where are they again today? They're out and about again. What are they doing? Can you tell us a bit about how you keep your marriage fun and keep it interesting? What do you do? The kind of things you do. Just give us some practical tips.

SPEAKER_01: 5:50

Yeah, and things you do. It's interesting you said, oh, you see what's going on here and there, but I can tell you, you've probably only seen that probably in the last five years. Yeah, okay. Because maybe this is because we've been married, what, 25 years. So I would like to divide the average marriage into three phases. Yeah. what I like to call it, the so-called honeymoon phase, and it's called that for a good reason, because I would say it's before the kids phase, where it's just the two of you, you're newly married, in terms of responsibilities and all that, all your responsibilities are non-children and all that, so that's one phase, and then the second phase would be when you have the first child, and then that phase lasts a very long time, because we're talking first child, second child, and then when they're really young, and you have to be there with them 24-7 and then the third phase is the phase we're in now where they're like adults literally and they can you know even if they disappear or go travelling for a year you don't have to worry about well you worry about them but

SPEAKER_00: 6:55

you don't have to be handsome can I just interject here and to use a Nigerian sort of balance here they don't send you after a while they do their own thing but those who don't understand they don't they're not bothered about you they don't care what you think they just do their own thing yeah yeah

SPEAKER_01: 7:09

so really so it's an interesting part and each part has its own pros and cons you know things you enjoy when you're just by yourself and then obviously the beauty of having kids and that's also a fantastic thing regardless of all the you know hands on you have to do and then obviously also looking after them even when they're old or they think they can look after them but you still you know you still have to be hands in there but I think what is just reminding me is that the importance of having your wife or husband as a friend. Yes. Because, honestly, that makes it big, especially when, you know, in the later stages when the kids are much older. Mm-hmm. if you're not friends and it's all been about the kids, that is when it really comes out. And that's when marriages start faltering because kids are not there and then you now realise with some couples that it was all about the kids.

SPEAKER_00: 8:05

There's nothing to talk about. So

SPEAKER_01: 8:09

friendship is very, very important.

SPEAKER_00: 8:11

Very important. Bola, want to add anything to that? Well, I just say, basically, I just say marry your best friend, marry a person who you have similar interests with. I mean, like with him, we like music. We like, you know, going out to shows and things like that. And it works for us. It works for you. Okay. So, Baye, what was it about Bola that really attracted you to her? that made you know that this was going to be my friend for life.

SPEAKER_01: 8:37

Okay, yeah. Well, like I said...

SPEAKER_00: 8:40

She said your voice, so... What's it about

SPEAKER_01: 8:45

her? Well, I think it's a general persona, you know, apart from, I mean, it's a cliche to say beauty and all that. Of course. I'll just leave that as for granted, you know. So, I mean, the character, you can, like I said, the little interactions we had first meeting, you can obviously develop, kind of see what the character of someone is like, you know, based on your interactions with them, you can have some kind of chemistry, let's put it that way. So, yeah, she came across very genuine. Okay. So, you know, and then obviously, yeah, it was just, I think, And that's where sometimes we forget that God has a plan for everyone. So while you're thinking that, oh, there's chemistry, I mean, you don't know what God's plan has been to put you in that position, knowing that this is like your chosen one. So that all helps. So generally, yeah, it's almost automatic. You see and you almost like feel that, oh, this is the one.

SPEAKER_00: 9:44

This is the one, yeah. And so you said that... It's only five years ago now that you started going out more. I started seeing you going out more. So what brought that on? Bola, you want to tell us about that? Well, what I would say is... Or was it just because the children left? Yeah, well, I mean, our son went off to uni and we had our little one in sixth form and then she's now gone off to uni. So we're more, actually, you know, I think it's more about to do with the fact that they come, they got to a stage where we could leave them at home. Yeah. Where we didn't have to be at home with them all the time. Yeah. Because once they, you know, once they start about, what, 15, 16, you can do what you like, come back home whenever time, it doesn't really matter. And they, they actually want you to go out anyway. Yeah. So once you got to that stage where you know they're not so attached and you know they could do their own thing go out their own go that go out themselves and you know everything then you know there's nothing stopping us from you know rekindling our own business as well okay so yeah so you just decided to start looking for shows who's who started looking for the show actually it was him it was one christmas and um what did you give me for christmas oh you just gave me an envelope yeah yeah yeah you just gave me an envelope he just said check my check your email and i checked it and there was a was it debbie though yeah it was a Davido show so that was the very first one and yeah and then we took it from there and then we came to Davido three times now so yeah yeah Davido and Ashaka did you go to Shalama or was it yeah we went to Shalama see I've been watching you

SPEAKER_01: 11:18

boys to men boys to men

SPEAKER_00: 11:20

yeah oh my god Dana Ross oh yes yeah

SPEAKER_01: 11:25

Bonoboy

SPEAKER_00: 11:26

yeah Bonoboy yeah

SPEAKER_01: 11:27

okay

SPEAKER_00: 11:28

Chris Daniel wow and the Kule Golds yeah Michael Jackson

SPEAKER_01: 11:32

musical.

SPEAKER_00: 11:34

So we keep ourselves very, very, very entertained. And the kids love it. They say, oh, mom, yeah, you go for it. Yeah. Good. I mean, they do know that when they were growing up, we were there for them, as every parent should be anyway. You know, and we've done everything together. And yeah. Yeah. So it's your time to live your life. And even sometimes when we're going to the supermarket together, like going to St. Bishop, they say, oh, mom and dad are going for their supermarket date. I just think, oh, please don't be, stop being cheeky. But yeah. But you know, you just said now about the supermarket date makes me remember something I heard on a podcast recently and they were saying that it's not about those big dates. It's not about that. It's about even the little, making sure that even the little time that you spend together, you make a big deal of it, you know. You enjoy spending that time together.

SPEAKER_01: 12:22

Yeah, that makes sense. And you don't have to spend a lot of money. Because literally, like you said, it's the event, not necessarily all the

SPEAKER_00: 12:30

Yeah, and even my supermarket trips are more interesting. Because I go to the supermarket, I want to buy one, no, well I want to buy one thing I might think I might see three things and I get drawn back and say no you don't need them you know oh you get that too I do I

SPEAKER_01: 12:46

do but it's only about unhealthy stuff isn't it oh come on yeah I mean

SPEAKER_00: 12:51

if I stand in a supermarket on his own he'll buy have I said buy milk buy biscuits he'll buy one biscuit one crisp no that's not you have to buy more you have to buy chocolate biscuits as well no

SPEAKER_01: 13:01

no no but the fruit and veg I'll buy bucket loads of fruit and veg you know water I'll buy tons of it so

SPEAKER_00: 13:07

yeah Nobody's talking about fruit and veg. Exactly. That's not what we're talking about here. We don't want fruit and veg. It's very interesting. They're very interesting. Little Nando's here. Little Wagamama there. Go out, have a little chit-chat. It's all good. It's all good. It makes a lot of difference. It keeps everything lively. They say even the happiest marriage has its own happy days and it has its challenges so you guys are obviously very happy I know that for a fact but have there been challenges in your marriage and how did you deal with them

SPEAKER_01: 13:44

25 years

SPEAKER_00: 13:46

it goes without saying right

SPEAKER_01: 13:48

every couple that comes to your show and tells you ah we've not had any challenges you just say you know what the devil is in life go home just go yeah but I mean at the end of the day it's how you deal with them you know So you'd always have challenges. And like I said, when I said three different phases, interestingly enough, I think you'd probably have, well, I can only speak for all this, challenges would probably come when Like you will have your first child and then you're dealing with that and so many other things. You know, the stresses of, you know, little things. And that's when little things come out. I mean, from, you know, I think maybe because you're trying to do things you've never done before. Yeah. You know, and then maybe trying to balance work and home. So at that time, you probably find, you know, you have more challenges than you did, you know. And then I think now the kids are bigger. I think you tend to have less challenges. And

SPEAKER_00: 14:41

what challenges. Yeah,

SPEAKER_01: 14:42

yeah. Because I think the stresses of modern life, you know, all that, it's little things. I mean, I'm sure we've all said, little things like school run, you know, oh, who's going to take, or who's late in picking up, or who's going to take them for rugby, who's going to take this, you know. So those are little things that really, really get, well, in my view anyway. So I don't know what you have to say.

SPEAKER_00: 15:01

well I mean the only challenge I would really say is a period of time when you worked away it was just me and the kids at home and obviously I had to sort of do everything so that was a bit challenging so that was about basically it really so I would have to sort of juggle children Picking up, you know, dropping off, organizing everything, holiday time, time out, this and that. And then when you'd be at home, I'd be a bit grumpy thinking, oh, yeah, you know, you come home at a good time and you don't have all this, all the stress of when I'm doing everything. But apart from that, generally, all right. So when she was grumpy, what did you do whenever she was grumpy like

SPEAKER_01: 15:41

that?

SPEAKER_00: 15:41

Well,

SPEAKER_01: 15:42

the thing is that I probably have my parents to thank because the year my dad passed was actually their 50th. oh wow nice so you know and that's when you grow up in a family like that you see how i could see how my dad anytime maybe there was an issue with my or maybe mom was not using i could see how he calmed things down because a lot of the time it was almost like you know not making things worse you know so even if it was like being humorous or whatever and you just calm things down so i just noticed that Two wrongs don't make a right. So you learn that no matter what it is, you kind of like, sometimes it's best you kind of like don't say anything and just walk away. Which would be annoying. And I was like, you always used to say like, with your dad as well, sometimes you say, can you do this, can you do that? And if you say no, that's going to cause a whole lot of hassle, which could last, God knows, maybe a day or two or whatever. But even if you're not going to do it, you go, no problem. And

SPEAKER_00: 16:45

you end up not doing it. There's no stress. I think with me and him, we're very different here. Okay. I am a bit fiery. Okay. And he's very calm. I think that's what drew me to him. Yeah. He's a very calm person. So where I would, you know, sometimes if I'm a bit in a bad mood, I want to really go, you know, have a good go at it. Yeah. he wouldn't say anything and that would actually annoy me the more. But after a while, I obviously have to calm down. So I think that was it. Because I think if when I was in my fiery mood, if he too was in a fiery mood, he would just ignore me for a bit. And after a while, he would come and say, okay, are you all right now? We will not have any chitchat about it. And then we'll calm down and then, you know, look forward. So I think that's where opposites attract in a way. Yes. So he would say to you, are you all right now? What would you say when he said that to you? I might not answer for a while, but after what I noticed that he's not rising to debate and he's not doing what I wanted he doesn't want to have a good fight I just think you know well yeah it's not happening today let me just calm myself down and then we'll just you know just come to his own side of doing things which is just calm discussion you know it's what it is and you know let's move forward so that's it yeah so that's in a lot of marriages we find that when it comes to the children there's always conflict between the couple because they have different views on how to bring up the children did you have that in your marriage when the children were younger? We did. That's good cop, bad cop. You want to tell us about it? He's the good cop. And I'm the bad cop. Bad cop. The mom's always bad cop. Yeah, because in his mind, children are like eggs. You know, you can't do this, you can't do that. Just treat them very gently. You can't shout, you can't this, you can't that. Because as a mom, you find that you spend more time with the kids. So you do tend to do more of this discipline. But one thing we did do, which was that we never ever... How would I put it? in front of the children, we never really had too much disagreement. If I had anything to say to him, I would say to him in private that this child that you're doing, allowing to mess you about, she's actually very capable of doing whatever it is she wants to do. She's just manipulating you really. So I would say that to him in private. So there wasn't a case of, oh, maybe a child would ask me for something and I would say no. And they'd say, okay, I'll go and ask daddy. And daddy would say yes, no. Because we'd always agree that, okay, can they have it or can they not have it? So, yeah, we were always a bit different. I mean, I remember a very i remember a situation um once when my little girl was a baby and she was crawling and several times she would crawl crawl crawl and she'll crawl towards the heater and she will not look back but she won't touch it okay so she knew she should not touch it she wants to put her hand there and she will know that then that was what when it's just me and her on her own but when her dad was there She will now go, go, go, go. She will now go near there. She will now do this. I used to just look at her, putting her hand there. But she could feel the heat. She wouldn't put her hand. But when her dad was there, he would now run. And quickly grab her. So one day I said, you know what, let's look at her. She was crawling, crawling towards the heater. I said, let's have a good look at her. And she now looked. She looked back. Nobody answered. She now put her hand. Nobody answered. She now actually put her hand on the heater per se. Oh. And she now cried. And she never ever did that again. I said, look here, sometimes you just have to let them be. Let them do what they need to do. Yeah. And, you know. So, yeah. Do you have anything to add to that, Bayo?

SPEAKER_01: 20:09

No, no. Well, I mean... Like anything else, if you don't spend... I mean, I don't think there are many... Well, maybe times have changed. But then I doubt that there are many dads that could say, oh, I spend more time with my one-year-old than my wife does. I mean, that's... So I guess if you've been seeing that a lot, and maybe I've only seen it when I'm doing daddy daycare, maybe it's... Obviously, I would react differently. So, yeah. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00: 20:37

So a lot of conflict happens in marriages because the So how would you deal with overwhelm in a marriage? For instance, you used to work. I mean, you work as a pharmacist. You work as a pharmacist. You were away for a long time. walking somewhere else and she was dealing with all the taking care of the children so you were daddy weekend daddy more or less because i saw you more on the other weekend or whenever you came home right so there was a bit of there must have been a bit of overwhelm on probably even on your side to having to travel all the way back and forth through the rush hours and all of that and you having to deal with the children and all the household stuff so how did Did you manage the overwhelm? And how would you advise couples to manage overwhelm if they're going through that?

SPEAKER_01: 21:24

Well, I guess it's a balancing thing. But in an ideal situation, I think you'd probably have to decide and have some sacrifice. Because in an ideal situation, I mean, looking back now, sometimes you think, hmm. the husband doing that would say, well, I'm doing this for the family because this, you know, the financial aspects, you know, the money is better, this and that. But like they always say, oh, kids need your presence, not your presence, you know. So I think, I mean, if I was going to advise anyone, I would say longer term, you'll probably find that, you know, you might be better of making financial sacrifices. So, you know, things like that. It's just a balancing thing. So, I wouldn't advise anyone to just focus, you know, purely on that or the financial things I can provide for them is going to be much greater and stuff like that. So, yeah, because, Like you said, it's hard on whoever is, you know, and it works both. I'm sure there's some couples where it's the other way around, where maybe the wife, for some reason, has one high-flying job that travels a lot and the husband is, you know. So, yeah, it's a difficult one, though.

SPEAKER_00: 22:36

It is, yeah. I mean, sometimes you do have to make a financial sacrifice. I mean, there was a period of time where I had somebody picking the kids up from school.

UNKNOWN: 22:45

Mm-hmm.

SPEAKER_00: 22:45

So I'd go to work normal, finish at six, go home, and this lady would have done the reading, she would have done the spelling, she would have almost shut off writing in the parent contact book or whatever. She would have done all that. So I'd just come home in time for the kids to say, oh, hello, mommy, and I'd say bye-bye to her auntie, and then, you know, I'd put them to bed. And then I couldn't switch off from work, you know, because you just keep thinking, because I was a manager at the time, and you keep thinking, oh... You know, what's happening with this and what's happening with that and blah, blah, blah. And, you know, telephone meeting or conference call and all that. So after a while, at some point, we had a chit chat. We said it was just getting too much. So actually, I kind of, you know, jacked the job in. I was home for a bit and I was a much happier person. The kids were happier to have me. And after a while, in time, I did find a job that fit into school hours. So it was better for everybody or better for me as a person. Because as a lady, as a female, it's good to have your own money. It's good to have your own thing going on. So I had my own thing going on. I had my own cash. It wasn't that much, but it was my cash. The kids were happy. I was able to drop them off at school, pick them up from school. and you know everybody was happy the home was happy so you know sometimes in life you know it might not be ideal and it's only for a time really you know you have to make a sacrifice you know for things you know for the greater good for the greater good yeah I think making sacrifices is very necessary in marriage yeah because at the end of the day what's the point of having all the money and you grow up and your children don't know you or they are not or I mean because there's so much that goes on I remember there was a time I said to my son oh I mean, somebody said to me, oh, there's this bus stop near his school. And someone said to me that, oh, the children do drugs. And I came home and I said to him, ah, did you know that children do drugs? And he said, ah, mom. Where have you been? Now, if I wanted to participate, I could have. And I thought to myself, oh my God. And to me, that was news. You know, so. You're

SPEAKER_01: 24:50

so innocent.

SPEAKER_00: 24:50

Exactly. You know, so, I mean, what's the point of, you know, being, you know, having all the success, having all this money, if at the end of the day, your kids are not in a good place. Sometimes you do have to make sacrifices. There's no point in the auntie being their mom. What's the point of being their mother if you can't be there for your children? I was going to ask you about that because I was thinking... did you feel guilty about that because I remember when my daughter was young she was in nursery and I was working in London and they were having a I think it was a school play and I was rushing to get back to see the play and by the time I got there they'd finished and there was this mother who said to me oh she was looking out for you and when she didn't see you I saw the look on her face and I took a picture of her for you I have a picture and that almost killed me because I thought oh my god what kind of crappy mother am so did you you must have felt really guilty yeah because I mean there were times when I'd you know I'd have you know just simple things like they're taking the children swimming then they would say oh can a mum offer to go swimming with them or just to go along with them and obviously I'm nowhere to be found because it's not that easy for me to just take off and say I'm going to do swimming or I'm going to do reading in school or whatever. I mean, there was a time when there was an incident where I don't know what happened. My son had to pay a pound. I didn't know anything about this pound he had to pay. And apparently, some mom told me, I think she said, maybe two days later or something, when I did see her, that, oh, that she gave him the pound because he felt that she could see that it wasn't, like, you know, that I would have given him the pound if I knew about it. But you know what kids are like, they don't tell you everything. You know, so she gave me, I tried to give, that's what, actually, I was trying to give her the pound. I said, oh, no, you don't have to. But I felt so bad that, you know, there's another mom that had to come to my own son's rescue. Where was I? Where was I? It was her work, trying to make money. So, you know, in life. Yeah, you have to make money. But like I said, about the auntie that used to do the reading, because when I'd come home, she'd tell me, know she they've read this they've done this phonics and all i have to do at this stage is just writing book that oh they've done this they've done their spelling they've done this and i just think that's not supposed to be you know she's not supposed to be telling me because like i said i'd come home just in time for them to go to bed yeah you know so they could they would even be able to tell me about their day you know just be oh hello mommy good night mommy and that'll be it so you know in life sometimes you do have to just you know balance everything else you know i mean i'm not they're older i've gone back i'm back to work full time yeah and it's not disturbing any Yeah,

SPEAKER_01: 27:22

that's the third phase.

SPEAKER_00: 27:24

That's phase three, yeah. And Bayo, when you were traveling back and forth, did you feel any... I know it was, okay, like you said, you alluded to it maybe for the financial good of the family, but was there any emotional... Did it affect you emotionally in any way?

SPEAKER_01: 27:41

Of course it did, of course it did. Can you talk about that a bit? Yeah, it was never easy really because obviously you want to be there for the kids all the time. And I think it's interesting because I think that's what happens a lot with either spouse that spends a lot of time making money to look after the family you almost try, I won't say bribe, you almost try and overcompensate by making sure you're not, so you're not saying to yourself, okay, this holiday, the family holiday we're going to, which is very expensive, you know, wish the kids, you know, we're going to Florida, wish the kids are loving and all that. The only way that's possible is because, you know, I've worked so hard to get some of that. So you try and, you know, or maybe when you're buying them, you know, the early days or the designer stuff or whatever, you think, oh yeah, you know, this and that. But on a quiet day or when maybe like something happens and you miss you miss out on a play or whatever you know sports day yeah things like that and you know in our profession it's even worse because you're either there all day at work or you're not there so i always envy people that can say oh okay i just need the morning off because i'm going to school to see the teacher i'll be at work at 2 p.m and i'll make it up you know whatever you can't do that here. Okay. Here, it's either you take the whole day off or you don't. Oh, really? Even to go to the dentist. So, people will say, oh, I just have a dental appointment. I'll be in two hours late. No.

SPEAKER_00: 29:13

Why is it like that?

SPEAKER_01: 29:15

Because... You're

SPEAKER_00: 29:15

responsible.

SPEAKER_01: 29:16

Once you're in, you're in. Yeah, because nothing can happen until you're signed in.

SPEAKER_00: 29:20

Okay. So,

SPEAKER_01: 29:21

the place is open nine to six. If you're not there at 9, if you're there at 9.05, everyone starts panicking. Oh, really? So it's really sad. So if I have a dental appointment at 1 p.m. for 20 minutes.

SPEAKER_00: 29:33

You have to take the entire day off. That's wasteful.

SPEAKER_01: 29:37

That is, totally, yeah. So things like that don't help. But like I said, obviously, whenever I come down to advising new couples or whatever, I would say, Think long term. And just do a balancing act. Like one of my friends who's in the same profession as I am, I was really very impressed with him. Early on, he just said, it does not work Saturdays. Which in our profession is very rare. Especially maybe before the kids are older or whatever. Because sometimes you use a Saturday to balance out other things and all that. But he just said, no, no, no. He just put his foot down. Monday to Friday, whatever that takes, and that's it. And I found that very impressive, you know. So, yeah, I think longer term, you know, just especially with God behind you and all that, I think if you just make the sacrifice, financial sacrifices that allow you to spend more time with the family, especially in the younger years, then I think what happens, now I think back, I think The first couple of years of you doing that might be very challenging.

SPEAKER_00: 30:43

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01: 30:43

But the way life is, you adapt.

SPEAKER_00: 30:46

Yes.

SPEAKER_01: 30:46

So, like someone said, when we came to England and you hear people getting 25,000 pounds, you'd be like, ah, hey, one day. Big money. One

SPEAKER_00: 30:57

day, I'll earn that big money.

SPEAKER_01: 30:59

I remember one day we had to go to some kind of gathering, you know, and there was this guy saying, well, you know, I'm on 25K. Everyone was like, hey. Oh, wow. What I learned in this show is that when you're on 25k, you spend it all. When you're on 50k, you spend it all. When you're on 250k, you spend it all. So what you have to do is that if 50k will give you a good family balance and 100k will give you a very bad one, go with the 50k yes the first year second year you might be thinking ah this is a reason but by year three you've adapted yeah because you've caught your coat according to your cloth and not according to anything else so that's what I think so yeah definitely the focus should be on family time so try and get that

SPEAKER_00: 31:55

balance because the fact of the matter is regards to family time is as everybody knows the kids won't be kids forever and memories more than physical possessions are what matters so it's the things you do with them that really matter I mean like the kids still say mum do you remember when we did this do you remember when we did that so those are the things that really matter in the end yeah the memories time you spend time with them yeah so um if you were going to advise young couples how would you advise them to keep the joy being happy is one thing joy how would they keep the joy alive in their marriage because you guys are happy and you're joyous as well so there are two different things so how would you keep the joy going in the family in the marriage

SPEAKER_01: 32:39

well well there's a lot there's a lot of things and there's no there's no easy answer for couples are different it depends on characters yeah well that's where the friendship part of it comes in I think it's very important to whatever you do develop a friendship with your spouse so be friends you know And there's a lot of sacrifices. We always have this, it's probably a cliche in marriage, give and take, give and take. Well, there is a lot of sacrifice. I mean, like, where we're coming today now, for instance, we're already in the car, ready to go. And me, my late dad was... He was a general in the Navy. And military precision. He was always one for

SPEAKER_00: 33:19

time. Just like my dad.

SPEAKER_01: 33:21

Yeah. So, Telia has told us 2 o'clock. I don't intend to get there at 2 o'clock. I intend to get there at 10-2. So, we can say hello to her, you know, whatever. So, you know. So, Anambola said, Oh, I forgot something. So, in times gone past, would I be like, forget that you forgot something. We have to leave now. If it's not, if it's not, you know, if it's not something we need for the meeting, we're going. But as time goes on, I was like, okay, no problem. I'm going to get it. And then

SPEAKER_00: 33:47

she ran. She ran, you see.

SPEAKER_01: 33:51

So it's little things like that. So you'd find that you'd have to, you know, sacrifice. So, Like she said, sometimes the couples, you're not exactly the same characters. You're not the opposite.

SPEAKER_00: 34:01

Definitely not.

SPEAKER_01: 34:02

You know, there are things like watching TV. I mean, someone said, so marriages have ended over the remote control. Yes. Even

SPEAKER_00: 34:09

over toothpaste.

SPEAKER_01: 34:11

Yeah. No, when people say that and they think, ah, what do you mean? That's how can a marriage end over? What they don't realize is that what we're talking about is the final straw. Yeah. So obviously there may be little things that we're building up and that was just the final straw. And it's like, That's it. So it's give and take. You want to watch something? Okay. You do something else while someone is watching it. If you don't like the same programs. And then someone was always saying that. try sometimes try and watch what the person is watching because you never know you may not enjoy it as much as but you can you know you can also like it

SPEAKER_00: 34:42

that's just like me and my husband he loves tennis I can't be bothered I don't care about tennis but I sit with him when he's watching I know the names of all the tennis players I know who's winning exactly I'm not actually watching but I'm just sitting there like okay because he wants to talk to me about it okay you see that shot

SPEAKER_01: 35:03

okay okay so as he's something else you can do. You can go, you can, I mean, your spare time, just spend 10 minutes, go on, go on Google and just try and see what the scoring is and that's it. You've learned something in a day. And then when you come back and you just turn that, oh my goodness, that was a 178 mile per hour shot and you'd be like,

SPEAKER_00: 35:19

wow. I'm going to try, I'm going to try that. I'm going to try that. So, I was listening to Focus on the Family recently and they were talking about something called biblical biblical flirtation okay so I was like biblical flirtation what on earth is biblical flirtation and then we're talking about the fact that as a couple you need to continue to flirt with one another what's your take on that in the marriage to keep it fresh

SPEAKER_01: 35:53

okay well it's important isn't it because at the end of the day we all know what marriage was created you know to you know, for, I mean, not just for procreation, but... Companionship. Yeah, companionship, man who wanted to be killed. So I think it's little things like, I mean, part of, like, our going out to all these concerts and all that, that's like date nights kind of thing, you know. So, you know, it's all part of it. And like you said, little things like going out, you know, a little thing like having a burger or whatever. Some couples don't do anything like that. Which, you know, it's almost like go to work, come home, and, you know, that is it. Even at the weekends, you know, maybe everyone does their own thing. But, you know, I think it's important to just engage and do little bits and

SPEAKER_00: 36:38

pieces. Yeah, I mean, a little compliment here and there does a good job. I mean, although this is why it's good to marry your friend. Yeah. And you know, in the beginning, can

SPEAKER_01: 36:49

I just interject and just say something quickly because this, um, which is something I have to work on, you know, when women say, Oh, you don't tell me you love me. Is that a thing? It is a big thing. It is a big thing. Because maybe I speak for all the men in the world, but unfortunately, we just presume it is known. No. And sometimes we're a bit shy to actually come up and say, oh, I love you. No, you don't have to be shy.

SPEAKER_00: 37:17

Well, you have said it now. He's said it now. You have to. It's so funny you say that because this is one thing we talk about all the time, I home i'm like you don't tell me i want to hear it exactly just say it but you know i do i love you i'm like oh i don't oh and i remember when we when we were dating i would say i love you and he'll be like yeah me too what does that mean you need to initiate it sometimes you just you say it

SPEAKER_01: 37:48

first you

SPEAKER_00: 37:50

might as well say ditto ditto what did you what did you do when he said that to you so you have to say it back yeah so yeah and I never things like oh do I look nice okay you just let's just say I look nice you know because with him If you tell me it looks nice, he loves it. So I just say, you know, say it back. You know? Yeah, say it back. Exactly. Tell me, oh, oh, oh. If I do a new hairstyle, I just think, ah, this man should notice now. How about, and you, you walk, you come, he comes home from work and you walk and you shake the hand, you shake the hand and he asks, ah, I don't say, ah, do you not see my new hair? And he will now tell me, he will now tell me, but you know it's nice. That's

SPEAKER_01: 38:28

exactly what mine will say to me too. I've got, I've got a take for an advice for couples, especially for men. Yeah, please, please give the advice. remember, remember these three words okay always states the obvious okay yes the obvious is that your wife is looking nice looking lovely you know tell her yes that's a good tip your wife you love your wife tell her Everyone may think it's obvious, this couple obviously, but say it. So just state the obvious. I love you. You look nice. Your hair looks lovely. I love the way you just, you know, just...

SPEAKER_00: 39:02

Notice. Just pay attention and notice it. And say it.

SPEAKER_01: 39:07

Yeah, say it.

SPEAKER_00: 39:08

Yeah, one thing he will say is when I do my cooking, I'm not really, I don't really like cooking that much, but when I, you know, go cook up, people say, ah, Bola, this is nice. So that one, he likes to, he will tell me that one. So that's, I like that. You like that. Yeah. So a little compliment here and there. Yeah, here and there, you know, little things here and there. But you have scattered around my question. I was talking about flirtation. You have not answered my question. You've gone round it, yeah.

SPEAKER_01: 39:33

Okay, yeah. What biblical flirtation, we have to ask, is your audience over

SPEAKER_00: 39:36

18? Yes. Wow. No. Yes. No, no, no graphics. Nothing graphic. Yeah. well I mean you marry somebody you know you're attracted to them yeah even when you're doing boyfriend girlfriend 25 years later you're still you're still attractive attractive a bit older you know a bit more rounded but he is still attractive so you know you still do what you need to be doing yeah yeah that's all I need to say and it doesn't always have to be treated by the same person that's another thing I will say okay so yeah okay

SPEAKER_01: 40:13

I love the term biblical flirtation because obviously that's the the Bible basically, I think it kind of like allows a free for all in a marriage. Yeah. You know, so I think that's where, that's why, so there's no, there's no holds barred in a marriage. Yeah. It's if you're, the Bible would only frown if you're not married. Yes. You know, that is where, but once you're married, I mean, it's, you know, basically just

SPEAKER_00: 40:40

keep on loving each other. Yeah, I mean, exactly. I mean, whatever it is you do to make your children, they're not, it's not, it's not specifically a, um you know it's not just for that yeah you know you do have to continue your intimacy how many years later i mean you should carry on you shouldn't say oh because you're now xyz you don't do that anymore yeah you carry that on yeah and they say it actually starts before you get to the bedroom really so little things that you need to do just yes because i think a lot of couples forget to be amorous towards each other exactly they just Take it for granted. Yeah, a little nice text in the daytime, you know. Nothing nasty. It's a little nice text. How are you? Blah, blah, blah. It's not just, oh, you come in the evening and then, you know, the other room. No. You have to build these things up. Build it up, yeah. Yeah, so,

SPEAKER_01: 41:29

I mean, what do you have to say? Yeah, no, that's true. That's true, yeah. Because at the end of the day, it's... what do they what do they well I won't use that word but the pre you know preamble you know there has to be that romance yeah exactly I mean not everybody has the time to be laying roses and candles and everything all the time and

SPEAKER_00: 41:51

it's not just physical it's the mind as well the mind the mind is very important because if your mind is not up for it then just forget it I think also words of affirmation yeah regularly affirming one another just regularly just a little word to say oh you know i don't know he likes affirmation okay that's not your love language i have two love languages okay what's your love language you want to share um acts of service okay and um what's the other one spending time quality time quality time because i'm a very spontaneous person yeah if giving is not a It's not a, what's it called? It's not a love language to me because I'm very spontaneous. If I like something, I do it for myself. I don't have to wait for anyone to give me gifts. Don't get me wrong, but I do like getting gifts. But like I said, I don't wait for anyone to give me anything. You just do it for yourself. But little acts of service, like maybe taking out the rubbish, you know, things like that. Just little things like that. You know, when the kids were little, you know, just jump up, quickly give them a bath before I get up to do that. You know, little things like that, you know, and then quality time, like going to Sainsbury's. That's part of the quality time, you know. So those are what does it for me personally, you know. What's your love language, Bayo?

SPEAKER_01: 43:08

Well, definitely gifts and quality time. He loves gifts. He loves gifts, okay. He loves gifts. And in time with the gifts, which you don't like, I love surprises. He does, he does. Again, I got that from my dad because my dad was so one about surprises. Surprises. I remember, gosh, I remember once because when we were schooling in England, we came home for, I think our dad came to London to bring us back to Niger and we came home and dad had bought this lovely watch for my grandmother you know and it was meant to be a big surprise and this is me I think I was almost 15 there I thought I was doing a good thing because we were unpacking so I went I brought out the watch I came to the living room I said dad don't forget this oh no he just came he just grabbed me into the room like pum pum it's quite a surprise and then my mum would say what's that what's that who is it yeah so I lost I you don't really yeah he loves a surprise yeah I really want a surprise

SPEAKER_00: 44:04

I love surprises too I don't get them often but so anybody out there hearing this I love surprises yeah when I was going to be 50 he was surprising he was probably a surprise for me after I think about until about a week to it just by the way I know you don't like surprises but I'll just tell you you're probably in a party for your 50th so you know so you know yeah

SPEAKER_01: 44:26

but your 30th was a surprise which you kind of found out

SPEAKER_00: 44:29

I found out yeah somebody told me about by mistake by mistake oh no but one day one day I will step out of character and I will do something a big surprise for you watch this space watch this space okay good maybe for the 25th anniversary anniversary eternity ring

SPEAKER_01: 44:51

oh is that going to be the surprise that you pay for it oh wow what a surprise

SPEAKER_00: 44:55

no

SPEAKER_01: 44:55

bio that's not what I mean that's not what we're talking about what a pleasant surprise oh my

SPEAKER_00: 45:00

god so we're fast coming to the end of today's show so it's been such fun a fun show because with Bayo and Bola honestly it's been fun but before we go I always like to end every show on a note of hope so I'm going to ask Bola and then I'm going to ask Bayo what would you like to say as we end the show just to give couples something to be to look forward to to help them as they go along in their marriage and to put in joy and laughter and fun into the marriage. I would say the most important thing is marry your friend. Because in the beginning, when you're doing boyfriend and girlfriend, you might have lots of hair, you might have a six-pack, you might be very slim and all that. But as time goes on, all these things disappear. And if you don't marry your friend, someone you can have a good chit-chat to, someone you can have a good laugh with, things will sort of... Fizzle out. Fizzle out. And you have to be very intentional about making time for yourselves, you know, because as he said, when the kids come along, you can make it all, you know, all about the children. Because I remember there was a period of time where he'd come back home from work and all I have to talk to him about was, oh, we need to go and buy nappies. Oh, is it hoggies? Is it, what's the other nappy? Pampas. Pampas, okay, pampas. That was all I used to discuss with him, baby milk. And I just thought to myself, come, I think there's a bit more to me than this. So, you know, you have to have, you know, you have to have things in common, things you you have a chit chat together and don't keep malice that's a very very important thing because when we were going to get married my dad said to me look here one very very important thing is never ever sleep on an argument oh perfect if you have an argument make sure you sort it out don't sleep on it don't let the sun go down on it go down on your anger sort it out speak about it and you know squash it it's so funny you say that because we were given the exact same advice my husband and I yeah just before about two weeks before we got married the same thing and that has for me that has That has been a real good one. Yeah, and we've always kept it. It happens with... Yeah, yeah, yeah. And if you have something, just say it. Don't be stewing about things. If you have a grievance, spit it out. Spit it out, yeah. Yeah, and make the other person feel special. Yes. And the kids know this. I mean, yeah, we love them quite all right, but they do know that. So yes, mum and dad, they have their own thing going on, which is very, very important. And it's good for them as well, so they know just how things are. It's good for them to see you... loving on one another i remember when the children were younger i would sit on my husband's lap and they'll be like like yeah what's your problem it's my husband what's your problem you know but i think the most important thing but they were learning to yeah friendship be each other's friend like he's my bestie yeah he knows it so yeah my best in my, you know, my everything, sure. Yeah. That's

SPEAKER_01: 47:53

so sweet. Yeah, so obviously, I agree with everything she said. And also, I think it's important as well in terms of Realising that the early part of the marriage for a lot of couples is the easiest part. So it's not called the honeymoon period for nothing because at this, I think anyway, because I think at that stage you're newly married so everything is still fresh, you know. So I think you can use that opportunity the first few years to actually get to develop the friendship and kind of prepare for the later years. So I mean, obviously it's not every couple that have kids. But with time, you know, with time is when couples tend to have little challenges as time goes on. when people say you've gone past the honeymoon stage. There's a lot more responsibility, you know, not necessarily just kids, you know, maybe things financial and stuff like that. So I think at that point you have to develop this situation of where you, you know, give and take. You know, like we said, you don't sleep. If you have any arguments, you don't sleep on it. You make up, you know, give allowances for people. And like I said, to get to 25 years, it's a lot of, you know, Give and take here and there. Being very good friends. And it does get better. And what people have to realize as well is that with God, when you believe in God, everything works out in the end. And in marriages, in the later years, you find that that friendship actually helps because a lot of the time, companionship, friendship is what you really enjoy when your kids are not around. You know, if you have kids, you know, or even in later years, depending on what you're doing, it's just friendship and companionship is very

SPEAKER_00: 49:29

important. Yeah, because they will go out, they will travel, and it'll just be you two at home. Yeah. You have to chit-chat. You have to. And what people have to understand, because a lot of these young couples, they just have this feeling of everything Instagrammable, blah, blah, blah. There will be challenging times. There will be times when it won't be good, it won't be nice, but you have to remember the why of what you're back to where you got together in the first place you have to keep that in mind it might be a bit rough for a while but things will get better you just have to remember to stick to each other don't be looking out, look inwards things will get better just remember why you got together in the first place things will get better thank you so much really really nice to have you on the show hope to have you back again sometime soon to talk about something we'll find a reason to have you back go to all the shows Enjoy yourselves. Life is for living. Do you have any show you can recommend that's coming up? Anything coming up?

SPEAKER_01: 50:26

Where are we going next? Well, it depends on what they like. It depends on what they like. Yeah, it depends on what they like. It's interesting, though, because when people see us on different things, they'll be like, oh, how did you get the tickets and all that? And I'm like, okay, actually, to be fair, before I got the first one, because I went the first one we did, I didn't get the tickets from what I use now. Okay. You know, because then, so I would just go, I mean, like I said, there are other places as well. Ticketmaster, AXS Tickets, just go on there. Okay. Google it. You'll see all the shows happening or where they're happening. Pick what you want. You know, look at the prices. Pick your seats, you know. and that's it it's as easy as that if

SPEAKER_00: 51:03

you like comedy there's comedy you could be going for on Ticketmaster

SPEAKER_01: 51:08

if you like your theatre I love theatre and comedy there's that as well we're going to next Saturday we're going to Fawlty Towers

SPEAKER_00: 51:17

oh really are there still tickets I'd love to go to Fawlty Towers I've

SPEAKER_01: 51:21

always loved Fawlty Towers when I saw that I was like oh gosh I would love

SPEAKER_00: 51:24

to see

SPEAKER_01: 51:25

that so just things like that so

SPEAKER_00: 51:28

you've had it Fawlty Towers go to Ticketmaster at Master go to ACX AXS AXS AXS

SPEAKER_01: 51:35

dot

SPEAKER_00: 51:35

com dot com look for something find something to do weekend breaks also weekend breaks that's true that's true city breaks you know just go to I don't know Paris rekindle your romance yes the city of love

SPEAKER_01: 51:51

oh we're so busy so busy like I said short breaks you know they're amazing all you have to do if you work Monday to Friday just even if you just take the Friday break of one week off and they follow it Monday. That's it. You can go on your city break Friday, Saturday, Sunday, three nights break, come back, relax on Monday,

SPEAKER_00: 52:08

come back to work on Tuesday. We've learned that of our Gen Z people at home. They're very, very good at all these short, short breaks. They don't even think about it. They just book the ticket, they're gone. And it

SPEAKER_01: 52:19

doesn't have to break the pocket either. EasyJet, Ryanair, you pay£49, you're in Europe.

SPEAKER_00: 52:24

So it's not even very expensive to do. So it doesn't have to take so much money to bring the phone

SPEAKER_01: 52:33

you don't have to take a week off work

SPEAKER_00: 52:34

you just have to decide do you want to go away for two or three nights and just look for something to do just planning forward planning and one of you said you have to be intentional so I think that's it you have to be intentional about it this is the man this is the person I'm with and we're going to have fun together whether he likes it or not but he likes it anyway so it's all good oh wow thank you thank you thank you thank you I can't thank you enough thank you so much for today hopefully you'll have you back you're welcome hopefully you'll have you back again sometime soon thank you so much thank you

SPEAKER_01: 53:10

thank

SPEAKER_00: 53:12

you all so much for joining us again today and I'm sure you've had a bit of a laugh or a lot of laugh with us we had a good time and yeah thank you for joining us and hopefully you'll join us again soon for another podcast thank you and God bless

SPEAKER_01: 53:40

Thank you.