"Who Am I? Am I Enough?- Bola's Journey to Finding Worth Within

Join us for a soul-stirring conversation with Bola as she delves into the profound topic of self-worth and identity. Bola shares her personal journey of grappling with feelings of insecurity, inferiority complex, and low self-esteem, and her quest to discover her true worth and embrace her authentic self.

In this candid discussion, Bola sheds light on the challenges women often face as they navigate through life's complexities, juggling multiple responsibilities and sometimes losing sight of their own identity in the process. She offers insights into the journey of self-discovery and the importance of finding inner peace and confidence amidst life's demands & difficulties.

Whether you're wrestling with feelings of not being enough or seeking inspiration to embark on your own journey of self-discovery, this episode offers invaluable wisdom and encouragement. Subscribe now to join us on this transformative exploration of finding self-worth and embracing authenticity. 🌟🎙️ #SelfWorthJourney #EmbracingAuthenticity #IdentityExploration 🌈

Song referred to in the podcast - Hills and Valleys-https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8iDuZv_5MQk

Transcript

UNKNOWN 0:01

So,

SPEAKER_00 0:30

Hello and welcome to Navigating the Chapters of Challenge with Tele. Today I've got Bola with me and we'll be discussing a topic that I find very, very interesting. But before we go into the topic, I'm going to ask Bola to introduce herself and just tell us a little bit about herself. Bola, say hello to everyone, please. Hello, good morning, everyone, and happy International Women's, well, I should say belated happy International Women's Day. I am Bola. I am 50-odd years, getting close to 60, thank God. I am a HR professional, been in the field of HR for over 20 years. I'm a proud mother of three. First is three children, two girls and a boy, 30, 27, and 18. And yeah, that's me. And I'm a very good friend to Telly. Hi Chele. Hi Mola. We've known each other for a number of years now. Absolutely. Since our university days and the friendship has been blossoming. Mola is more like a sister to me than a friend. Absolutely. So today we're going to talk about a topic that I think a lot of women... Struggle with And it's to do with their identity Identity crisis And the topic is Who am I? Who am I? Am I enough? As women we struggle with our identity Because we have so much to do As women we're just so busy And it's something we go through all the time So Bola, who are you? Can you tell us who you are? And are you enough? Yeah, exactly So for that question for me What made me think about it is that when I look back over my life, I look back from the start where being born in the United Kingdom during the 70s, having my primary school in the 70s, I would say that's where my struggle of trying to understand who I am actually started. Two things stand out for me in my primary school that kind of led me down that path of, shall I say, feelings of insecurity, feelings that I wasn't enough. And I remember the first one was centered around my name. There was a morning that one of the teachers came into the class and he was taking the register. And I will never forget, I still, in my mind's eye, I remember this teacher. He was a young adult male, white, of course, wearing a green jumper, glasses. And he stood up and he arced his arm like he was throwing a ball. And then he goes, who's bowler ball? The whole class sniggered. Of course, my name is Adebola, but in school I was called Bola, but they can't pronounce Bola, so they called me Bola. So he's kept up his arm and he called me Bola Ball. And from that day onwards, people started calling me Bola Ball. I then developed a real insecurity. I don't want to say hatred, but I didn't like my name. And with all the women in the world, I would have changed my name. So that was one incident. Now, in my school at the time, there were a lot of white people. There were a number of us black people and a few Asians that had come over from Uganda and Kenya. And with regards to the black people, there was a pecking order. So we had a lot of Jamaicans, people from the Caribbean. Now, in the 70s, growing up, and I grew up in an area called Halston, which was a very rough and tumble area. The Jamaicans were very bolshy, very out there, very in your face. And they had a kind of... disrespect or, you know, treated us Africans with a lot of, you know, it kind of treated us in a derogatory kind of way. And to a certain degree, the feelings were mutual because even Africans didn't really rate people from the Caribbean, the Jamaicans. So obviously that boils down into the playground in school. So, people you know I was black I was from an African heritage and I got so I got bullied from the Jamaicans I got bullied from the white people so I found out that I gravitated towards some of the Asians that had come from Africa and one or two African friends or Nigerian friends you know from Ghana from Nigeria and one or two African countries that was all playing along then I remember one day another incident in the playground so there I am squatted down on the playground back in those days I don't know if anybody who grew up in the 70s remembers we used to play with marbles so i was playing with marbles on the drain and i didn't realize that my mom was walking past the school because the school was very close to my house and then my mom saw me now nearly down on the drain playing the marbles and my mom was in our traditional african gear then all i hear is that what are you doing there i could have died telly That must have been embarrassing. Oh dear. Oh no. So roll on a couple of years. I then go into secondary school, still in London. And then there and then I thought, do you know what I'm going to do now? I'm changing my name. So the first thing I did was when I got into school, what are your names? Sharon. Sharon. Do not ask me why I thought of Sharon. You know, the most awkward white name. No disrespect to all the Sharon's out there. But why Sharon, Kelly? I couldn't tell you. Rose of Sharon? Did I even know what Christianity was back in those days? I don't know. I wasn't having a clue. All I know, it was Sharon Shookenby. So everything was fine. Everybody knew me as Sharon. I was breeding up my street cred, had a lot of friends, had some good Jamaican friends. I even had a little boyfriend back in then. I can't remember his name. Jamaican boyfriend. Really, really good. Happening nicely. And then one day I got home and my dad's looking at my books and he's scrolling. He looks and he goes, ah, who is Sharon? And I thought, oh, sugar. Yawa is about to gasp. I was like, hmm. So I'm mumbling on my breath, who is Sharon? And I'm like, me, dad. He said, Lailai, who is Sharon? You go back to school the next day. Your name is Adebola. Adebola, that's the name we gave you. You go back to school the next day. You tell them to change. If you don't change it, I'm following you to school. I thought, okay, you know what? No need to be that dramatic. Don't follow me to school. I'll change my name. So I had to go back to school the next day, trail between my legs and say, actually, can you change all my information? It's not Sharon. It's Adebola. So all of that is now playing on. I've got all of that going on. So who am I? I'm this girl. Yeah. Yeah. roll on parents now decide it's time for us to go back to nigeria and i am so excited i'm going back to nigeria everyone's going to have the same name as me everyone's as black as me everyone speaks like my mom and my dad i'm not going to be different so we hop on the plane get to nigeria i go to sentan school moliti but i'm really excited and there i am taught then i go to class one day and i'm talking and the whole class goes silent and i noticed everyone nudging each other and sniggering and i'm thinking i get a sense of deja vu being here dumb that what are they sniggering what are they laughing about and then i cottoned on it was my accent yeah it was my accent and then the name calling started hey what do they used to call me i get butter hey look at you bola london and then there was this conception that children that came from london were kind of dumb and slow and stupid so derogatory you butters that are or death and things like that now i'm not saying that my secondary school was all bad but it wasn't all great that was the saga harder side of secondary school for me so i grew up very much fighting my way through secondary school. I got into fights because people would call me names and automatically I had to prove to them, I'm not a didgeridoo, I'm not this, I'm not that. There were a couple of, I had one or two fights. Even up to university, I still got into one or two fights because it was like a constant battle to prove who I am and not to conform to the name that people were giving me. And for me, trying to show that I am enough. So yeah, I mean, I don't know. So for me, that's where the struggle started. and it didn't help that growing up you know a little bit about my background so my mom was a nurse my dad was he did admin but God rest my dad, very good father, but unfortunately he wasn't a great provider. So my mom had to carry a lot of the financial burden in the home. So of course you're then growing up in Nigeria and of course, Nigeria is a bit of a materialistic environment. So you're growing up with people that are having big houses, big cars, but you're trying, you know, you're struggling along, you know, even within the family, you know, you find that people gravitate towards the people that have money in the family and you that don't really have so much money, they kind of relegate you so again I'm still trying to navigate who am I am I enough because I didn't feel like I was enough yeah I always felt that I was coming up short and then moving into university where I met you you know we were in the same hole together we had so much fun but tell it it was a struggle for me because I never felt that I was enough I never felt that I was good enough I didn't wear the latest clothes you know money was tight you know and you say you say to people oh but that shouldn't really matter don't be unfair to people it does matter as a young person when you're growing up because you want to fit in you want to belong you want to be like your peers you're forcing yourself to belong you're acting like you belong but you don't really belong because you still don't feel that you're good enough so this is where all of that started from from when you were very young so as you grew older were you not able to overcome that what what I tried. Right from when I was in secondary school. We had something in secondary school in those days called SU. So I started to look at Christianity, started to look at being a born-again Christian right from that stage, flipping in and out, joining the so-called SU group, but not wanting to be seen with them, but still realizing that I needed something to enable me to feel like I was enough. So that's Okay. I left Nigeria in 1990, immediately I finished my first degree in English and I came, I didn't serve because I was posted to Sukkot and I thought, forget that, I'm not going to Sukkot. And I didn't have the energy to start doing all the bribery and all of that to make sure I stayed in Lagos. So I just said, forget the service, I need to come back to London. I need to start my life. I need to be in an environment whereby it's not who I know, but it's what I can do. So I came back to London. And in coming back, I met my husband, got married. You know, the usual kind of thing, conforming. You know, you leave university, you get married, you have children. So I did that. And things were great for a while. And I was willing to feel I knew who I was. I was finding myself. I am enough. and then I got into a job which was a nice job starting you know starting job and there was this young man in the workplace who we were good friends with and he kind of saw something in me and he said look you know then I was because of what happened with my name my professional work name is not Bola it's always Ade always Ade because I'm not going to go through people calling me Bola I hate it with a vengeance so my work he said Ade you can do so much better you know you can become a contract manager earn a bit more so he's He schooled me. He took me under his wing. So there was a contract management manager role. I applied for it. He literally told me what I needed to say in the interview. And I went in, did all that, and I got the job role. And I was so proud of myself. I was like, wow, this is me. I'm doing well. I'm a contract manager. And I'm on a salary of about£18,000. I mean, this was a time where people were still earning£10,000,£11,000,£12,000. I'm on£18,000. Wow. I've landed. I've arrived. I was really pleased with myself. you know, told, got home, shared the news with my husband, with friends that were close to me, you know, and it was good. Until a couple of months into the role, hobby then drops a bombshell because my role meant that I had to go, I was a contract manager, so I had to go out to various training providers, you know, going to work, I'd have my training providers to see, so I do a lot of traveling around to see them. They turned around and said, I'm not infused with the idea of my wife going out and about and going to different organizations that basically you have to leave this job. Wow. So he asked you to leave the job? I was like, really? Why? I'm not happy with it. You have to leave the job. Wow. How did that make you feel? Awful. Like, really? But I was born, you know, I was in the school we've been taught that when you get married... it's not about your needs it's about the needs of the man you know a woman builds a home a woman keeps her home together okay so i left the job that must have knocked your confidence completely sorry it must have knocked your confidence completely absolutely telly it was a crushing blow so therein began my journey of taking jobs that didn't suit me, but suited my circumstances, suited the needs of my husband, suited the needs of the children. And therein began the journey of losing myself. and I think this is what happens to a lot of women we just we just take on the needs of the family and we forget about ourselves and it's like okay I have to be I have to be there for the children I have to be there for the husband I have to take care of the home I have to feed everybody and you're just running back and forth just trying to meet all those needs and you totally forget about yourself so when you started taking on these jobs how did you feel doing that jobs that were beneath I don't want to say beneath you but I don't know what other phrase to use, but jobs that you shouldn't be doing. Jobs that I could have done better. I would see those jobs, I would look at them, I'd go, no, this is not for me. I ended up taking safe roles, if that makes sense. But even in between taking those safe roles, I had some really horrible managers as well. So I had one or two roles whereby the managers were awful. And of course, when that was happening, again, I'm thinking, why me? Is there something about me that just... makes people feel like I'm a whipping person. Just tread all over Bola. It doesn't matter. Who is she? She's not up there. Just tread all over her. But I thank God for during this period that I was still surrounded by women that were inspirational, that were inspiring. I had friends that were doing well and excelling in what they were doing. So that gave me the encouragement because at one point, You know, I was tired of the kind of roles I was getting and I realized I wanted a bit more. And somebody suggested that, oh, you know, it seems like you're really good with people. Why don't you do HR? I'd never heard of HR before. What was HR? Didn't have a clue. Anyway, found out a bit more. I went into university, got the form, went to Middlesex University Business School. I decided to do a master's degree in human resource management. And yeah, that was one of the best decisions of my life, to say. Again, what I wanted to do, I mean, I'm, you know, no disrespect to my ex. He's not here to defend himself. But again, the knocking, you know. he probably doesn't realize it, but for men, what I will say is that encourage your wives. Because every time you knock them, you're bringing, you're killing something within their spirit. And you're killing something within their spirit that you actually need to be alive. So when I told him that I wanted to do my master's, he was like, you know I want to go back to, you know I'm going back to Nigeria, right? And you know I need the family in Nigeria. How long is your master's going to take? I said, well, two years. He said, I haven't got that kind of time. So you need to think long and hard about doing your masters. Sorry, he said what? He said, I haven't got that kind of time, that you need to think long and hard about doing your masters, that when he's ready for us to go back, that what's going to happen. Well, I thank God, because that was an occasion when I thought, no, I'm doing my masters. I need to do this for me. So I started my masters, I funded my masters, and I got my master's degree in human resource management. And one of, you know, just walking across that stage, Telly, to collect my degree was one of the most proudest moments even much more than my first degree because I knew the cost the cost of doing my of studying while raising a family I remember when my daughter was doing her 11 plus and I was trying to get my my projects done I've forgotten what it's called thinking to myself, I can't do this. I can't take my daughter through her 11 plus, look after the home. And my husband was not in London at the time. He was shuttling London and Nigeria. So I was literally more or less running the home and doing my masters, trying to get my project sorted and everything. This is too much for me. I had to ring into uni and say, I'm going to defer.

UNKNOWN 18:55

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 18:56

But I deferred, which would have meant I would not have graduated with my peers. But you know what? God is faithful. Somehow he saw me through. And I managed to walk that stage with my peers, with the same set of people that I started with. And for me, that was so much. You know, my master's was definitely blood, sweat and tears. You know, in the middle of the night. And then in between that, I had my son. I remember rocking my son to sleep with a bottle in his mouth and me typing my project. So I'm rocking him in the cradle right now literally with one leg and typing my project on the screen. And I know that this is just not my story because there are many women out there that have testified to that. yeah and i was still working telly three jobs three not three jobs i was working three days in a week so doing all that and money was tight because hobbies shuttling between nigeria and london and you know all the investors going into nigeria so all of that is happening and i'm just thinking about it and i'm thinking how on earth did i do that but it clearly was god it was god it was clearly was good so i got my master's degree got all of that and in between all of that just as i was coming out of it things were getting better I then had a terrible shock in my marriage whereby something that shook my marriage to the core and I started a 10 year journey before my marriage eventually broke down and I separated in 2019. So all of this is going on. Who am I? Am I enough? At that moment in life, I was not enough, Kelly. I was struggling. And the struggle for me was real. The struggle led to me suffering from alopecia, severe hair loss, because it was a lot of pressure. um what else yeah it was it was tough it was hard i didn't know who i was i didn't even think comfortable in who i was i didn't i didn't think i was enough i i could just about keep things moving but again i still thank god for good friends you know you were there I remember coming to the house and telling you and talking to you and fella and we were talking one day and I we were talking and I don't know what you said and I said oh telly can't you notice that there's no ring on my hand and can you I don't know if you remember I don't remember the story you know I don't know if you can remember and I said there's no ring because I'm not married anymore and I could see the look of horror on you and fellas not horror shock kind of horror and shock and you looked at me with so much shock horror dislike May on happiness and he was like you know he said can you work it through can you work it out and I said I don't think so I remember now I remember now yeah but you said something earlier on you said that when the marriage well you discovered something in the marriage and it shook the marriage to the core but it took you 10 years Do you want to talk about that? Because I know that this is something that happens to a lot of women out there. They know marriage isn't working. They know things are not going okay, but they stay there. And a lot of them stay in marriages that are damaging to them emotionally, physically. And I think it's all down to do with this identity thing as well, because their identity has been damaged. entrenched in that marriage so it's like how do i get out of this what will people say do you want to talk on that a bit because i think this is something that we need to we need to discuss yeah so um obviously i'm not going to go to no we don't you don't need to i've got my children that i think about and i do not want this to define them just like it doesn't define me yeah but what i can say in hl we have something that we call norming storming yeah yeah I think you've heard of that. Yeah, I've heard of that. That's what I went through in those 10 years. So when the incident happened and goodwill people were advising me, it was all around, no, you know, we know this has affected you, but you've got to stay because what will people think? How is it going to affect your children? So that was the storming bit, you know, the grief bit, the like, oh my God, you know what, this thing has really hurt me. It's really caught me to the creep, but I've got to stay. I've got to weather the storm. I've got to be there for the children. I've got to, I've got to. What would other people think? And I remember going out with a friend of mine and we were talking about marriage in general. And she made a very, what to me was a very cutting comment about, oh, how when her children are much older, they want to get married. Ah, she will never let her children marry anybody whose child comes from a broken home. And I thought to myself, wow. So this is how, if I decide to leave, this is how they're going to perceive my children, that they come from a broken home. I was like, can I afford to do that to my children? And then I was speaking to another person who was a pastor and she alluded to the stigma. So here you are, you're hearing words like stigma, broken home, dysfunction. I was like, wow. So all of these words, Teli, powerful words, were weighing me down. So these are some of the words that kept me bound for those 10 years. And then there was the financial side of things. So no matter, you know, I was talking about money was hard. But guess what? No matter how hard money was, there were two of us. So there were two of us supporting that environment of hard money. If I was to leave the marriage, me at that point, I was still doing like three days per week, four days per week, not on a huge salary. How am I going to cope? How am I going to suddenly leave and be responsible for maybe rent or a mortgage? What's going to happen to me? You know, I do things in my own role. I support my external family. You know, I have a bit of money in my pocket. What's going to happen if I decide to leave? Again, all of those things held me back. And as I'm growing through the marriage, those things that were holding me bound as I was going through the marriage and slowly but surely I started to find who I was. I started to aim a bit higher for myself. I started to have a bit more aspirations for myself. I started to grow some confidence in the midst of all the chaos. I found Christ and Christ began to talk to me, Christ began to minister to me, Christ began to tell me that you are the apple of my eye, you are enough. Believe in me, trust in me and I can turn things around for you. And I started to believe, I started to have a sense that I can hope for better for myself. So when people were telling me to stay, a part of me was saying, no, I'm not staying. I'm going to go. So my prayer shifted. My prayer moved from Lord, help me to stay, to Lord, help me to leave. Lord, this is not working for me anymore. I am not happy. I'm deeply unhappy. I went into marriage thinking I wanted to serve and be served, but I don't want to serve anymore. I want to be served, but I want to serve myself. I don't want to do this anymore. I'm unhappy. I don't want to show my children what an unhappy marriage looks like anymore. If it's not working, then it needs to end. And I prayed, and I prayed, and I prayed for it to end. For some people out there might be saying, why would you pray for something to end? I prayed for it to end because I knew it wasn't me anymore. It wasn't for me anymore. Did anybody... Sorry to stop you there. Did anybody say to you that you were being selfish? Oh yeah, I got all of that. I got all of that. I got all of that. But I truly had to pray for my well-being. I had to pray for my well-being. I had to pray for my well-being and accept the fact that, you know, I had to pray for my well-being and accept the fact that what had happened to me had badly affected me and The only way that I could ever really be whole was to take time out for myself. And being whole and taking time out for myself unfortunately meant that I had to leave. And you were praying to leave. You know, and it wasn't just that. And I would say one thing to men as well, be friends with your wives, because when you're really good friends with your wives, when the problem comes, it helps you to overcome it a bit more easier. But if you're not necessarily friends with your wives, when the problem comes, it makes it that much more difficult as a woman to kind of say no. i want to endure and i want to go through this um i mean obviously there is another side because i'm saying i want to leave i wanted to leave like you rightly said people would say that that was very selfish of me but i just knew that unfortunately my ex wasn't able to help me anymore he wasn't able to help me did you tell him you wanted to leave at any point during this 10 years? I told him I was very unhappy. I told him that I was deeply, deeply unhappy. What did he say? But I don't think he realized my depth of how deeply unhappy I really was. I was very, very unhappy. To the outside world, you know, happy, clappy, bubbly, everything's going on. But there was a real unhappiness, a real unhappiness and a real pain within me. So when you said you were deeply unhappy, what was his response? What did he do? Did he do anything to change the situation? Did he do anything at all? He tried, but it wasn't enough. Okay. And I'll just leave it at that because he's not here to defend himself. Yeah, I get that. But yeah, so he tried, but it wasn't enough. So you mentioned something about the stigma. People talk about stigma from divorce. Why is there a stigma? If it's not working, why should people be stigmatized when they leave? especially women it seems like the the stigma falls more onto the side of the women why why do you think that is because in our culture there is one thing that as as nigerians as yoruba people in particular we stand on one particular verse from the bible a woman builds her home okay and and when a woman leaves we have this saying in yoruba that so in Yoruba it means that you will not leave your load kind of a thing so property here is you and your load is what you have built up together the big house the cars the children how can you be so stupid to walk away from all of that, the house, the car, the children. How can you be stupid to walk away from that? They see a woman who leaves the home as being stupid, as being foolish. I had someone say to me that, Oh, if you have friends that are advising you to leave, don't listen to them. I was so mad with the individual. I said, you are talking to me, a woman over 50. Are you telling me that I'm stupid, that I'm foolish, that I don't know what I want to do with my life? How dare you? How dare you? And he backed down. But that's the mentality, that a woman doesn't have a brain, that a woman can't think for herself, that a woman is not a deep thinker. that she doesn't think deeply that how how can you leave what you've been so blessed with i left and guess what i've still got my children to god be the glory my children have not left me yes i've left the massive big house yes i've left the fancy car but i'm still standing and i've still got my children and i've got my identity and i've got my peace of mind you've got your sanity I've got my sanity. It's not easy, Tele, because obviously, you know, before we came on to the show, I was feeling, you know, I said, I called you just a minute before we came on to the show and I was a bit upset because I'd done an investment and unfortunately, you know, I'd lost a fair sum of money and I wasn't, and I thought, how can I come on to the show and talk about being enough when here I am, you know, I'm not enough in my financial life. When you leave a marriage, that's what happens because then you have to be financially savvy and financially responsible for yourself. It's a responsibility. Because people look at you and sometimes people mock you and say, oh, how stupid was she? She could have been okay financially, but she chose to leave. But what do you want to have? Do you want that financial security but be miserable every day of your life? You get into the car and you drive the fancy car, but you're crying in that fancy car.

UNKNOWN 32:09

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 32:10

Or you're in that big house, you're cleaning that big house, but you're weeping inside of you. And remember, the children will grow up and leave. And the children that we have today, they will tell you that I didn't ask them. The one thing that they will say to you is that I didn't ask you to stay. Yeah, and that's what happens a lot of times. The children are seeing all these things that are going on. Sometimes we think that they don't see what's happening, but they do see. And they know that you need to leave. Sometimes. They know you need to leave, but they can't tell you to leave. And when you stay there and you're suffering, they're suffering as well. Absolutely. They're suffering as well. Absolutely. So, roll on. I left 2019. I started my life back in the single world, but of course... carrying the baggage of all the, all the naysayers, all the negativity, you know, ah, you know, okay, I'm separated now. Gosh, I better keep that a secret. I'm only going to tell a few people that are very close to me. You know, I moved, didn't really invite anybody around because I didn't want anybody to know my circumstances. Didn't really tell the extended family, the extended family members, you know, all of that, you know, all of that is playing, is playing out in my mind, you know, I've got to keep it a secret, you know, and then as time went on, you know, getting back into the workplace proper, really beginning to pursue my career. You know, things are looking up and I'm thinking, this is me. This is who I am. I'm separated. You know, I'm doing it alone and things are going okay and I can do this alone and I can get back to that place of dreaming, of having hope and aspiration and believing good things for myself. And guess what? I am enough. I am enough. Who am I? This is me. This is me. Adebola or You know, going out there, living my life, you know, going out, going on holidays, doing things. Still not financially secure, I have to say, but I'm still managing to do things and, you know, go, you know, and then I got my job with the House of Commons and life was sweet. And, you know, I was being told, you know, you're getting such positive vibes in the workplace and blah, blah, blah. And then, but unfortunately, going into the House of Commons, it was a part-time role. It was a fixed-term contract. So there I was, I was like, Lord, before my fixed-term contract ends, I know you're going to do wonders for me. I'm going to be in another job. I will not be jobless and blah, blah, blah. So there I am going for interview after interview after interview. I did around 11 or 12 interviews. I was both in the House of Commons, both externally, not a single one of them did I get a job offer and I'm like hold on a minute what's going on here what's going on and this is me you know I work in HR I you know I you know I I mentor people through doing jobs into job interviews you know looking at people's CVs doing you know doing mock interviews and I can't get a job I can't get a job so suddenly all of that kind of you know all of that kind of confidence and self-assuredness and yes i'm enough slowly but surely it starts dripping dripping dripping dripping again dripping again until eventually my job ended with the house of commons and i was out of work and i was like omg i'm out of work i've got a mortgage to pay my son's with me i've got all of these things i've got all of these expenses that i'm carrying How am I going to get through this? God, this is not what we discussed. I believed you. I trusted you. I said, at the beginning of the year, we got the message. You know, there was one message that we had at church that year that I can't remember what the message was, but the message was something around, maybe the time is now. The time is now. You know, I'm not going to be out of work. I walked in faith. I believed. I fasted. I prayed. And I don't have a job. I'm not going to go and benefit God because that's not what's in the pipeline for me. So I started again, slinging out my CV, going for interviews, first week, second week, third week, fourth week, fifth week. At this time, I'm throwing tantrums with God. Like we all do. Like a petulant spoiled child. God, I said I want to give the testimony. What's happening to my testimony? There's no testimony that is coming. I'm basically throwing, I was so ungracious. Very, very ungracious. Oh yes, I was still praying and doing all of that, but I was very ungracious. Father, what's the meaning of this? And then eventually, when the job was not forthcoming, I had to go and sign up. I said, well, I better go and sign on. Because this one, I don't know when I'm going to get a job now. Then you go and sign on. So you signed on? I signed on. That must have knocked you out, your confidence completely. It's so funny, as God does things. The week that I signed on, I got a job offer. I got an offer through the agency. So I signed on that week. The following week when I had to go and do the second bit of signing on and the job interview and this, that, and the other, I said to Demo, I said, well, I'm going for an interview this week. So... I'm signing on now, but I don't know what the outcome is. Anyway, the longer I short of it, the following week I was offered the job. So I had to go back to DSS and say, me, I've got a job. So basically, the longer I short, how much did I get from DSS for signing on? 88 pounds.

UNKNOWN 37:33

Okay.

SPEAKER_00 37:34

I got£88, but I was in a job. So I stayed in that job for about three weeks, but it was in Lewisham. It wasn't quite, it was a backward move for me and I hated it. Oh, I did not like this job. As God would have it, I got another job offer and it was with the NHS, much nicer work environment. And when I went for the interview, I got offered the role. The feedback that they gave the agency was that they know that I don't have NHS experience, but they just felt that I gave something to the interview and they want to take me on. And that was, and suddenly I went from throwing my chanchons with God to saying, hey, thank you Lord, thank you Jesus, Father, you haven't forgotten me, you love me, you love me, as I am enough. And, you know, and I started in that role. And unfortunately, it was a bit of a toxic environment. So I knew I couldn't stay there long, but that was okay. And then the agency called me up and they were like, oh, we've got a job. You know, it's a head of HR. I was like, no, not really interested. And a friend of mine told me about exactly the same job. I was like, you know what, head of HR in Stevenage. I'm not interested. And besides, I don't have enough NHS background. And I've been trying to apply to the NHS and I haven't had so much luck. Let me just continue in this role. Let me get a bit more experience. a bit more experience and yeah we'll see and then the agency kept calling me you know let me give them your cd this is the job i said okay you know the interview's on friday you know and i'm like friday what time nine o'clock where's stevenage do you know where i live i live in oxbridge where is stevenage how many miles is that i'm not sure anyway longer short of it tell me i got the job um jd i looked for it and i went oh this looks very interesting So, and then the agency had told me to look up the people that would be interviewing. So I went on to LinkedIn, I looked them up and I looked at the person that would potentially be my line manager. And she wrote something in her LinkedIn, do it, do it scared. And it just resonated with me. And I thought, do it, do it scared. And I looked at the job description, I looked at it and something said to me, you can do this, you can do this. So long and short of it, drove down to Stevenage that Friday morning, did the interview, did it scared. They were asking me, I said, look, I don't really have nhs experience but what i do have is my many years of working in hr house of commons i've worked in i've worked for an independent top market independent school westminster school one of the top private schools in the country i've worked in i've worked in the i've worked for an academy i've worked you know basically gave them my my my my itinerary you know to talk about who i was yeah lo and behold go home by two o'clock, got the phone call to say they'd offered me the job role. I couldn't believe it, Telly. This job that I'm in right now, it's amazing. I started out as head of employee, head of people partnering and change. I'm now heading up our employee relations team. I'm heading up our people hub. When I started this conversation, you said, tell me a bit about myself. I didn't say what my position was because I It was a journey to get to where I am right now. I spoke about working in Westminster School. I was a HR director there. I was bullied out of that role.

UNKNOWN 40:55

Mm-hmm.

SPEAKER_00 40:56

You know, I was bullied out of that role. It knocked my confidence. I didn't think I was good enough. I was like, you know, I didn't put, I didn't want to put it on my CV because I was like, how do I tell people that I was at that one minute I'm a director and the next minute I'm now back to being a HR manager, a HR business partner. But now I look at all of that. And I see it was a journey and it was a journey of God showing me who I am and telling me that I am enough. Exactly. And, you know, this everything we've been talking about here has been it's like a cycle kind of. Living cycles of highs and lows, highs and lows. And that's what we all go through. As women, as people generally, we go through seasons where we have the good times and we have the low times, you know. And I just wanted you to talk on that. Just a word of advice for people or women out there, because this is more about women. When you're going through those situations where your confidence has been knocked down, what can you do how do you get yourself back because at that point it's kind of like you lose yourself how do you get yourself back how do you get back to being who you really are and who God has called you to be Well, Tele, just like you, I'm a crier. Because I know you cry very easily and so do I. You didn't have to tell everybody that, did you? Tele, you're a crier. We both know that. We all know that. And I'm a crier too. Embrace it. We cry. We express ourselves. Let's say we're expressive. We express ourselves through our pain. Through our pain, we cry. So I cry. I cry, and I cry a bit, and I cry a bit more. And then after crying, I find my safe space, which is my few small cohort of trusted friends. who I then talk through my pain to and I say, this is where I'm at. I'm in pain. This is hurting me. I don't know what to do. I don't think I'm good enough. I don't think I'm worthy enough. I don't do the why me because I try my utmost best to say what not to say why me because why not you? Because there are people going through worse things in the world. So I really shy away from why me. And I would always say to people, please, no matter the pain, please try not to say why me. Because no matter how bad our pain is, There are people who are going through so much more worse pain than we are. So embrace whatever it is that is hurting you. Don't downplay it because you don't want to do that. Pain is pain. Pain is pain. But surround yourself with good. Because I have two favorite sayings. Your net worth is your net worth. And you cannot be an eagle and walk with chickens. Yeah. So you need to know who you surround yourself with. You need to know who your safe space is. Find someone. Find that one person, male or female, young or old. Because I have been blessed by people that are younger than me, much younger than me. I get my learning from anyone. Do not close yourselves. Be open to who can help you. So find your safe space. Talk through. Pray. Because praying is still key. You still, even through the pain, even this morning when I was really upset thinking about what I had lost, I still, you know, we spoke today and we prayed. You have to pray. So find that person who will walk that journey with you and who will encourage you when you're in that low valley, who will encourage you. And if you don't have that person, please, for God's sake, find that person. Do not walk that walk alone. Nobody needs to go through life being alone. Everybody has somebody who can help them. Please find that help. Get help. Get help. Get help. Get help. Get help. Get help. Don't walk that journey by yourself. When I talked about that 10 years of not knowing who I was in my marriage because I didn't go through those 10 years knowing straight away that I wanted Mm-hmm. Yeah. Mm-hmm. But who will not allow you to wallow in your pain? Because at some point, you need to work through that pain. And that's what I've always had to do. Teller, you've given me some brilliant words when I was speaking through. One of the things you said, you fall down, you get up, arise, stand up, and take baby steps to work through that pain. No condition is permanent. And trust God. Find something in the Bible to comfort you. Teller, for me, My comfort is Psalm 23. I was just going to ask you for scriptures that you use, so you just read my mind, so go on. I read Psalm 23 because every single line in Psalm 23 has a message. Every single line, right from the very beginning where you say, the Lord is my shepherd. You know, then the bit where I walk, even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil. For thou art with me, thy word and thy staff comfort me. Thou prepare Overflowing. I like that. No. We will always have our value moment. Like I said, I had one this morning before I came on air. I almost said to you, Telly, that I don't feel worthy of having this talk about, am I enough? Because I don't feel like I'm enough right now, especially with regards to my finances. But you were like, no, that you're feeling this way for a reason and for a purpose. To really come on air and to speak to someone and to say, we don't always have to be all singing, all dancing, all flying. Yep. every single moment no and yes there are women out there that are changing the world and are doing wonderful great and awesome things but guess what you are equally enough in the things that you are doing exactly thanks you are enough when you wake up in the morning and you go out and you smile at someone or you go out and you're smiling through your own pain at someone else, you are enough. Because that person that you smiled at, you don't know what they're going through. That smile, that word, that cheery word that you just dropped on them probably was all that they needed to see and to hear. you know you are you are enough you know at work we had International Women's Day and it's funny because exactly what I'm talking about was what they spoke about you know at International Women's Day because the woman is our chairman for the NHS that I work for and we had two other previous speaking one was a gynecology doctor very high flying women and the first thing she said when she came on to give her own little talk was to say I want to say to every single one of you women on this call regardless of where you are in in life at this moment in time regardless of what you're doing regardless of what you're going through you are enough and i thought to myself bingo this is what I'm going to talk about on Saturday this is God speaking and I just want to reiterate that regardless of what you are what you're doing what you're going through you are enough I'm a magistrate now I had thought about being a magistrate when my oldest daughter was around 4 or 5 I never pursued it what made me how many about 27 odd years later then become a magistrate was my cousin I have a cousin and we really bounce off each other and I she's younger than me that's why I was saying age is not a barrier you can learn from anybody do not despise anyone who's younger than you look at them see learning and help in every person that comes across your way so she went you know she applied for a magistrate role and I remember that I Yeah, me too. I wanted to be a magistrate. So I went through it. I put my application in. Guess what? I got through. She didn't. So she was just a step instant. God just used her to show you they could do that. She's going to reapply and I said, okay, we'll work through it again together. So what am I saying with that? That the journey is it's a it's not a you know when they say that thing about not being a sprint it's a marathon it really really is and my life is a testament to that because remember when i started the journey this conversation i started talking about those feelings of inferiority complex, of feeling that I didn't fit in, that I wasn't enough, that I never felt secure in myself. And here I am, over 50 odd years later, getting close to being 60, and suddenly I know, you know, not suddenly, but through that journey, I now, I know who I am. I know that I am enough. And someone out there, you know, as women, we are enough. We are enough. We are enough. Oh, thank you so much. I don't know where the time goes when we start this conversation. The time is already, we spent all the time that we have, but we'll just leave it at this point and just say, yes, you are enough. The song, the song that's been coming to my mind since we started and it's the song God of the Hills and Valleys. He's the of the hills and valleys you know and our lives are always lies where we go I mean we go through seasons of hills and valleys I think I mentioned it earlier and so if you're going through a valley season just hold on to God like Bola has said if you're in a hill season thank God for that as well just remember that in every season you are enough you are enough Bola quickly I always like to end this on a note of hope so quickly anything you can say final words just in two minutes do you know what live your best life and that's what I'm trying to do right now I'm living my best life to God be the glory not I but Christ regardless of your circumstances life is is life is beautiful wake up in the morning look at the rain and thank God look at the sun and thank God in everything really and truly please please please give thanks and remember you are enough you are enough thank you so much Bola it's been really really nice having this conversation with you and hopefully we'll have you back again to discuss something else with us I hope so thank you so much for giving me this platform you know it's been really great just having this opportunity thank you so much and keep up the great work with all these you know I've listened to all the podcasts thank you you've blessed me in so many ways thank you so much and if you haven't listened to all the podcasts please do because they are all linked and they will be a blessing they will definitely be a blessing to you thank you so much thank you so much Bola that's really really nice of you thank you and God bless and we'll catch up with you again soon sometime thank you bye bye So thank you all very much. It's been nice having you here with us again today on Navigating the Chapters of Challenge. And hopefully you'll be with us again sometime soon. Take care and God bless everyone. God bless.